candide by voltaireintroduction by philip littell recorded by ted delorme ever since 1759, when voltaire wrote "candide"in ridicule of the notion that this is the best of all possible worlds, this world hasbeen a gayer place for readers. voltaire wrote it in three days, and five or six generationshave found that its laughter does not grow old. "candide" has not aged. yet how differentthe book would have looked if voltaire had written it a hundred and fifty years laterthan 1759. it would have been, among other things, a book of sights and sounds. a modernwriter would have tried to catch and fix in
words some of those atlantic changes whichbroke the atlantic monotony of that voyage from cadiz to buenos ayres. when martin andcandide were sailing the length of the mediterranean we should have had a contrast between nakedscarped balearic cliffs and headlands of calabria in their mists. we should have had quarterdistances, far horizons, the altering silhouettes of an ionian island. colored birds would havefilled paraguay with their silver or acid cries. dr. pangloss, to prove the existence of designin the universe, says that noses were made to carry spectacles, and so we have spectacles.a modern satirist would not try to paint with voltaire's quick brush the doctrine that hewanted to expose. and he would choose a more
complicated doctrine than dr. pangloss's optimism,would study it more closely, feel his destructive way about it with a more learned and caressingmalice. his attack, stealthier, more flexible and more patient than voltaire's, would callupon us, especially when his learning got a little out of control, to be more than patient.now and then he would bore us. "candide" never bored anybody except william wordsworth.voltaire's men and women point his case against optimism by starting high and falling low.a modern could not go about it after this fashion. he would not plunge his people intoan unfamiliar misery. he would just keep them in the misery they were born to. but such an account of voltaire's procedureis as misleading as the plaster cast of a
dance. look at his procedure again. mademoisellecunã©gonde, the illustrious westphalian, sprung from a family that could prove seventy-onequarterings, descends and descends until we find her earning her keep by washing dishesin the propontis. the aged faithful attendant, victim of a hundred acts of rape by negropirates, remembers that she is the daughter of a pope, and that in honor of her approachingmarriage with a prince of massa-carrara all italy wrote sonnets of which not one was passable.we do not need to know french literature before voltaire in order to feel, although the lurkingparody may escape us, that he is poking fun at us and at himself. his laughter at hisown methods grows more unmistakable at the last, when he caricatures them by casuallyassembling six fallen monarchs in an inn at
venice.a modern assailant of optimism would arm himself with social pity. there is no social pityin "candide." voltaire, whose light touch on familiar institutions opens them and revealstheir absurdity, likes to remind us that the slaughter and pillage and murder which candidewitnessed among the bulgarians was perfectly regular, having been conducted according tothe laws and usages of war. had voltaire lived to-day he would have done to poverty whathe did to war. pitying the poor, he would have shown us poverty as a ridiculous anachronism,and both the ridicule and the pity would have expressed his indignation. almost any modern, essaying a philosophictale, would make it long. "candide" is only
a "hamlet" and a half long. it would hardlyhave been shorter if voltaire had spent three months on it, instead of those three days.a conciseness to be matched in english by nobody except pope, who can say a plagiarizingenemy "steals much, spends little, and has nothing left," a conciseness which pope toiledand sweated for, came as easy as wit to voltaire. he can afford to be witty, parenthetically,by the way, prodigally, without saving, because he knows there is more wit where that camefrom. one of max beerbohm's cartoons shows us theyoung twentieth century going at top speed, and watched by two of his predecessors. underneathis this legend: "the grave misgivings of the nineteenth century, and the wicked amusementof the eighteenth, in watching the progress
(or whatever it is) of the twentieth." thiseighteenth century snuff-taking and malicious, is like voltaire, who nevertheless must know,if he happens to think of it, that not yet in the twentieth century, not for all itsspeed mania, has any one come near to equalling the speed of a prose tale by voltaire. "candide"is a full book. it is filled with mockery, with inventiveness, with things as concreteas things to eat and coins, it has time for the neatest intellectual clickings, it isnever hurried, and it moves with the most amazing rapidity. it has the rapidity of highspirits playing a game. the dry high spirits of this destroyer of optimism make most optimistslook damp and depressed. contemplation of the stupidity which deems happiness possiblealmost made voltaire happy. his attack on
optimism is one of the gayest books in theworld. gaiety has been scattered everywhere up and down its pages by voltaire's lavishhand, by his thin fingers. many propagandist satirical books have beenwritten with "candide" in mind, but not too many. to-day, especially, when new faithsare changing the structure of the world, faiths which are still plastic enough to be deformedby every disciple, each disciple for himself, and which have not yet received the finaldeformation known as universal acceptance, to-day "candide" is an inspiration to everynarrative satirist who hates one of these new faiths, or hates every interpretationof it but his own. either hatred will serve as a motive to satire.
that is why the present is one of the rightmoments to republish "candide." i hope it will inspire younger men and women, the onlyones who can be inspired, to have a try at theodore, or militarism; jane, or pacifism;at so-and-so, the pragmatist or the freudian. and i hope, too, that they will without tryinghold their pens with an eighteenth century lightness, not inappropriate to a philosophictale. in voltaire's fingers, as anatole france has said, the pen runs and laughs. philip littell.end of the introduction to candide by voltaire candide by voltairechapter i
how candide was brought up in a magnificentcastle, and how he was expelled thence. in a castle of westphalia, belonging to thebaron of thunder-ten-tronckh, lived a youth, whom nature had endowed with the most gentlemanners. his countenance was a true picture of his soul. he combined a true judgment withsimplicity of spirit, which was the reason, i apprehend, of his being called candide.the old servants of the family suspected him to have been the son of the baron's sister,by a good, honest gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady would never marry becausehe had been able to prove only seventy-one quarterings, the rest of his genealogicaltree having been lost through the injuries of time.the baron was one of the most powerful lords
in westphalia, for his castle had not onlya gate, but windows. his great hall, even, was hung with tapestry. all the dogs of hisfarm-yards formed a pack of hounds at need; his grooms were his huntsmen; and the curateof the village was his grand almoner. they called him "my lord," and laughed at all hisstories. the baron's lady weighed about three hundredand fifty pounds, and was therefore a person of great consideration, and she did the honoursof the house with a dignity that commanded still greater respect. her daughter cunegondewas seventeen years of age, fresh-coloured, comely, plump, and desirable. the baron'sson seemed to be in every respect worthy of his father. the preceptor pangloss was theoracle of the family, and little candide heard
his lessons with all the good faith of hisage and character. pangloss was professor of metaphysico-theologico-cosmolo-nigology.he proved admirably that there is no effect without a cause, and that, in this best ofall possible worlds, the baron's castle was the most magnificent of castles, and his ladythe best of all possible baronesses. "it is demonstrable," said he, "that thingscannot be otherwise than as they are; for all being created for an end, all is necessarilyfor the best end. observe, that the nose has been formed to bear spectacles—thus we havespectacles. legs are visibly designed for stockings—and we have stockings. stoneswere made to be hewn, and to construct castles—therefore my lord has a magnificent castle; for thegreatest baron in the province ought to be
the best lodged. pigs were made to be eaten—thereforewe eat pork all the year round. consequently they who assert that all is well have saida foolish thing, they should have said all is for the best."candide listened attentively and believed innocently; for he thought miss cunegondeextremely beautiful, though he never had the courage to tell her so. he concluded thatafter the happiness of being born of baron of thunder-ten-tronckh, the second degreeof happiness was to be miss cunegonde, the third that of seeing her every day, and thefourth that of hearing master pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole province,and consequently of the whole world. one day cunegonde, while walking near thecastle, in a little wood which they called
a park, saw between the bushes, dr. panglossgiving a lesson in experimental natural philosophy to her mother's chamber-maid, a little brownwench, very pretty and very docile. as miss cunegonde had a great disposition for thesciences, she breathlessly observed the repeated experiments of which she was a witness; sheclearly perceived the force of the doctor's reasons, the effects, and the causes; sheturned back greatly flurried, quite pensive, and filled with the desire to be learned;dreaming that she might well be a sufficient reason for young candide, and he for her.she met candide on reaching the castle and blushed; candide blushed also; she wishedhim good morrow in a faltering tone, and candide spoke to her without knowing what he said.the next day after dinner, as they went from
table, cunegonde and candide found themselvesbehind a screen; cunegonde let fall her handkerchief, candide picked it up, she took him innocentlyby the hand, the youth as innocently kissed the young lady's hand with particular vivacity,sensibility, and grace; their lips met, their eyes sparkled, their knees trembled, theirhands strayed. baron thunder-ten-tronckh passed near the screen and beholding this cause andeffect chased candide from the castle with great kicks on the backside; cunegonde faintedaway; she was boxed on the ears by the baroness, as soon as she came to herself; and all wasconsternation in this most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.end of chapter i chapter iiwhat became of candide among the bulgarians.
candide, driven from terrestrial paradise,walked a long while without knowing where, weeping, raising his eyes to heaven, turningthem often towards the most magnificent of castles which imprisoned the purest of nobleyoung ladies. he lay down to sleep without supper, in the middle of a field between twofurrows. the snow fell in large flakes. next day candide, all benumbed, dragged himselftowards the neighbouring town which was called waldberghofftrarbk-dikdorff, having no money,dying of hunger and fatigue, he stopped sorrowfully at the door of an inn. two men dressed inblue observed him. "comrade," said one, "here is a well-builtyoung fellow, and of proper height." they went up to candide and very civilly invitedhim to dinner.
"gentlemen," replied candide, with a mostengaging modesty, "you do me great honour, but i have not wherewithal to pay my share.""oh, sir," said one of the blues to him, "people of your appearance and of your merit neverpay anything: are you not five feet five inches high?""yes, sir, that is my height," answered he, making a low bow."come, sir, seat yourself; not only will we pay your reckoning, but we will never suffersuch a man as you to want money; men are only born to assist one another.""you are right," said candide; "this is what i was always taught by mr. pangloss, and isee plainly that all is for the best." they begged of him to accept a few crowns.he took them, and wished to give them his
note; they refused; they seated themselvesat table. "love you not deeply?""oh yes," answered he; "i deeply love miss cunegonde.""no," said one of the gentlemen, "we ask you if you do not deeply love the king of thebulgarians?" "not at all," said he; "for i have never seenhim." "what! he is the best of kings, and we mustdrink his health." "oh! very willingly, gentlemen," and he drank."that is enough," they tell him. "now you are the help, the support, the defender, thehero of the bulgarians. your fortune is made, and your glory is assured."instantly they fettered him, and carried him
away to the regiment. there he was made towheel about to the right, and to the left, to draw his rammer, to return his rammer,to present, to fire, to march, and they gave him thirty blows with a cudgel. the next dayhe did his exercise a little less badly, and he received but twenty blows. the day followingthey gave him only ten, and he was regarded by his comrades as a prodigy.candide, all stupefied, could not yet very well realise how he was a hero. he resolvedone fine day in spring to go for a walk, marching straight before him, believing that it wasa privilege of the human as well as of the animal species to make use of their legs asthey pleased. he had advanced two leagues when he was overtaken by four others, heroesof six feet, who bound him and carried him
to a dungeon. he was asked which he wouldlike the best, to be whipped six-and-thirty times through all the regiment, or to receiveat once twelve balls of lead in his brain. he vainly said that human will is free, andthat he chose neither the one nor the other. he was forced to make a choice; he determined,in virtue of that gift of god called liberty, to run the gauntlet six-and-thirty times.he bore this twice. the regiment was composed of two thousand men; that composed for himfour thousand strokes, which laid bare all his muscles and nerves, from the nape of hisneck quite down to his rump. as they were going to proceed to a third whipping, candide,able to bear no more, begged as a favour that they would be so good as to shoot him. heobtained this favour; they bandaged his eyes,
and bade him kneel down. the king of the bulgarianspassed at this moment and ascertained the nature of the crime. as he had great talent,he understood from all that he learnt of candide that he was a young metaphysician, extremelyignorant of the things of this world, and he accorded him his pardon with a clemencywhich will bring him praise in all the journals, and throughout all ages.an able surgeon cured candide in three weeks by means of emollients taught by dioscorides.he had already a little skin, and was able to march when the king of the bulgarians gavebattle to the king of the abares. end of chapter ii chapter iiihow candide made his escape from the bulgarians,
and what afterwards became of him. there was never anything so gallant, so spruce,so brilliant, and so well disposed as the two armies. trumpets, fifes, hautboys, drums,and cannon made music such as hell itself had never heard. the cannons first of alllaid flat about six thousand men on each side; the muskets swept away from this best of worldsnine or ten thousand ruffians who infested its surface. the bayonet was also a sufficientreason for the death of several thousands. the whole might amount to thirty thousandsouls. candide, who trembled like a philosopher, hid himself as well as he could during thisheroic butchery. at length, while the two kings were causingte deum to be sung each in his own camp, candide
resolved to go and reason elsewhere on effectsand causes. he passed over heaps of dead and dying, and first reached a neighbouring village;it was in cinders, it was an abare village which the bulgarians had burnt according tothe laws of war. here, old men covered with wounds, beheld their wives, hugging theirchildren to their bloody breasts, massacred before their faces; there, their daughters,disembowelled and breathing their last after having satisfied the natural wants of bulgarianheroes; while others, half burnt in the flames, begged to be despatched. the earth was strewedwith brains, arms, and legs. candide fled quickly to another village; itbelonged to the bulgarians; and the abarian heroes had treated it in the same way. candide,walking always over palpitating limbs or across
ruins, arrived at last beyond the seat ofwar, with a few provisions in his knapsack, and miss cunegonde always in his heart. hisprovisions failed him when he arrived in holland; but having heard that everybody was rich inthat country, and that they were christians, he did not doubt but he should meet with thesame treatment from them as he had met with in the baron's castle, before miss cunegonde'sbright eyes were the cause of his expulsion thence.he asked alms of several grave-looking people, who all answered him, that if he continuedto follow this trade they would confine him to the house of correction, where he shouldbe taught to get a living. the next he addressed was a man who had beenharanguing a large assembly for a whole hour
on the subject of charity. but the orator,looking askew, said: "what are you doing here? are you for thegood cause?" "there can be no effect without a cause,"modestly answered candide; "the whole is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. itwas necessary for me to have been banished from the presence of miss cunegonde, to haveafterwards run the gauntlet, and now it is necessary i should beg my bread until i learnto earn it; all this cannot be otherwise." "my friend," said the orator to him, "do youbelieve the pope to be anti-christ?" "i have not heard it," answered candide; "butwhether he be, or whether he be not, i want bread.""thou dost not deserve to eat," said the other.
"begone, rogue; begone, wretch; do not comenear me again." the orator's wife, putting her head out ofthe window, and spying a man that doubted whether the pope was anti-christ, poured overhim a full.... oh, heavens! to what excess does religious zeal carry the ladies.a man who had never been christened, a good anabaptist, named james, beheld the crueland ignominious treatment shown to one of his brethren, an unfeathered biped with arational soul, he took him home, cleaned him, gave him bread and beer, presented him withtwo florins, and even wished to teach him the manufacture of persian stuffs which theymake in holland. candide, almost prostrating himself before him, cried:"master pangloss has well said that all is
for the best in this world, for i am infinitelymore touched by your extreme generosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in theblack coat and his lady." the next day, as he took a walk, he met abeggar all covered with scabs, his eyes diseased, the end of his nose eaten away, his mouthdistorted, his teeth black, choking in his throat, tormented with a violent cough, andspitting out a tooth at each effort. end of chapter iii chapter ivhow candide found his old master pangloss, and what happened to them. candide, yet more moved with compassion thanwith horror, gave to this shocking beggar
the two florins which he had received fromthe honest anabaptist james. the spectre looked at him very earnestly, dropped a few tears,and fell upon his neck. candide recoiled in disgust."alas!" said one wretch to the other, "do you no longer know your dear pangloss?""what do i hear? you, my dear master! you in this terrible plight! what misfortune hashappened to you? why are you no longer in the most magnificent of castles? what hasbecome of miss cunegonde, the pearl of girls, and nature's masterpiece?""i am so weak that i cannot stand," said pangloss. upon which candide carried him to the anabaptist'sstable, and gave him a crust of bread. as soon as pangloss had refreshed himself a little:"well," said candide, "cunegonde?"
"she is dead," replied the other.candide fainted at this word; his friend recalled his senses with a little bad vinegar whichhe found by chance in the stable. candide reopened his eyes."cunegonde is dead! ah, best of worlds, where art thou? but of what illness did she die?was it not for grief, upon seeing her father kick me out of his magnificent castle?""no," said pangloss, "she was ripped open by the bulgarian soldiers, after having beenviolated by many; they broke the baron's head for attempting to defend her; my lady, hermother, was cut in pieces; my poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister;and as for the castle, they have not left one stone upon another, not a barn, nor asheep, nor a duck, nor a tree; but we have
had our revenge, for the abares have donethe very same thing to a neighbouring barony, which belonged to a bulgarian lord."at this discourse candide fainted again; but coming to himself, and having said all thatit became him to say, inquired into the cause and effect, as well as into the sufficientreason that had reduced pangloss to so miserable a plight."alas!" said the other, "it was love; love, the comfort of the human species, the preserverof the universe, the soul of all sensible beings, love, tender love.""alas!" said candide, "i know this love, that sovereign of hearts, that soul of our souls;yet it never cost me more than a kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. how could thisbeautiful cause produce in you an effect so
abominable?"pangloss made answer in these terms: "oh, my dear candide, you remember paquette, thatpretty wench who waited on our noble baroness; in her arms i tasted the delights of paradise,which produced in me those hell torments with which you see me devoured; she was infectedwith them, she is perhaps dead of them. this present paquette received of a learned greyfriar, who had traced it to its source; he had had it of an old countess, who had receivedit from a cavalry captain, who owed it to a marchioness, who took it from a page, whohad received it from a jesuit, who when a novice had it in a direct line from one ofthe companions of christopher columbus. for my part i shall give it to nobody, i am dying.""oh, pangloss!" cried candide, "what a strange
genealogy! is not the devil the original stockof it?" "not at all," replied this great man, "itwas a thing unavoidable, a necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if columbus hadnot in an island of america caught this disease, which contaminates the source of life, frequentlyeven hinders generation, and which is evidently opposed to the great end of nature, we shouldhave neither chocolate nor cochineal. we are also to observe that upon our continent, thisdistemper is like religious controversy, confined to a particular spot. the turks, the indians,the persians, the chinese, the siamese, the japanese, know nothing of it; but there isa sufficient reason for believing that they will know it in their turn in a few centuries.in the meantime, it has made marvellous progress
among us, especially in those great armiescomposed of honest well-disciplined hirelings, who decide the destiny of states; for we maysafely affirm that when an army of thirty thousand men fights another of an equal number,there are about twenty thousand of them p-x-d on each side.""well, this is wonderful!" said candide, "but you must get cured.""alas! how can i?" said pangloss, "i have not a farthing, my friend, and all over theglobe there is no letting of blood or taking a glister, without paying, or somebody payingfor you." these last words determined candide; he wentand flung himself at the feet of the charitable anabaptist james, and gave him so touchinga picture of the state to which his friend
was reduced, that the good man did not scrupleto take dr. pangloss into his house, and had him cured at his expense. in the cure panglosslost only an eye and an ear. he wrote well, and knew arithmetic perfectly. the anabaptistjames made him his bookkeeper. at the end of two months, being obliged to go to lisbonabout some mercantile affairs, he took the two philosophers with him in his ship. panglossexplained to him how everything was so constituted that it could not be better. james was notof this opinion. "it is more likely," said he, "mankind havea little corrupted nature, for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves;god has given them neither cannon of four-and-twenty pounders, nor bayonets; and yet they havemade cannon and bayonets to destroy one another.
into this account i might throw not only bankrupts,but justice which seizes on the effects of bankrupts to cheat the creditors." "all this was indispensable," replied theone-eyed doctor, "for private misfortunes make the general good, so that the more privatemisfortunes there are the greater is the general good."while he reasoned, the sky darkened, the winds blew from the four quarters, and the shipwas assailed by a most terrible tempest within sight of the port of lisbon.end of chapter iv chapter vtempest, shipwreck, earthquake, and what became of doctor pangloss, candide, and james theanabaptist.
half dead of that inconceivable anguish whichthe rolling of a ship produces, one-half of the passengers were not even sensible of thedanger. the other half shrieked and prayed. the sheets were rent, the masts broken, thevessel gaped. work who would, no one heard, no one commanded. the anabaptist being upondeck bore a hand; when a brutish sailor struck him roughly and laid him sprawling; but withthe violence of the blow he himself tumbled head foremost overboard, and stuck upon apiece of the broken mast. honest james ran to his assistance, hauled him up, and fromthe effort he made was precipitated into the sea in sight of the sailor, who left him toperish, without deigning to look at him. candide drew near and saw his benefactor, who roseabove the water one moment and was then swallowed
up for ever. he was just going to jump afterhim, but was prevented by the philosopher pangloss, who demonstrated to him that thebay of lisbon had been made on purpose for the anabaptist to be drowned. while he wasproving this ã priori, the ship foundered; all perished except pangloss, candide, andthat brutal sailor who had drowned the good anabaptist. the villain swam safely to theshore, while pangloss and candide were borne thither upon a plank.as soon as they recovered themselves a little they walked toward lisbon. they had some moneyleft, with which they hoped to save themselves from starving, after they had escaped drowning.scarcely had they reached the city, lamenting the death of their benefactor, when they feltthe earth tremble under their feet. the sea
swelled and foamed in the harbour, and beatto pieces the vessels riding at anchor. whirlwinds of fire and ashes covered the streets andpublic places; houses fell, roofs were flung upon the pavements, and the pavements werescattered. thirty thousand inhabitants of all ages and sexes were crushed under theruins. the sailor, whistling and swearing, said there was booty to be gained here."what can be the sufficient reason of this phenomenon?" said pangloss."this is the last day!" cried candide. the sailor ran among the ruins, facing deathto find money; finding it, he took it, got drunk, and having slept himself sober, purchasedthe favours of the first good-natured wench whom he met on the ruins of the destroyedhouses, and in the midst of the dying and
the dead. pangloss pulled him by the sleeve."my friend," said he, "this is not right. you sin against the universal reason; youchoose your time badly." "s'blood and fury!" answered the other; "iam a sailor and born at batavia. four times have i trampled upon the crucifix in fourvoyages to japan; a fig for thy universal reason."some falling stones had wounded candide. he lay stretched in the street covered with rubbish."alas!" said he to pangloss, "get me a little wine and oil; i am dying.""this concussion of the earth is no new thing," answered pangloss. "the city of lima, in america,experienced the same convulsions last year; the same cause, the same effects; there iscertainly a train of sulphur under ground
from lima to lisbon.""nothing more probable," said candide; "but for the love of god a little oil and wine." "how, probable?" replied the philosopher."i maintain that the point is capable of being demonstrated."candide fainted away, and pangloss fetched him some water from a neighbouring fountain.the following day they rummaged among the ruins and found provisions, with which theyrepaired their exhausted strength. after this they joined with others in relieving thoseinhabitants who had escaped death. some, whom they had succoured, gave them as good a dinneras they could in such disastrous circumstances; true, the repast was mournful, and the companymoistened their bread with tears; but pangloss
consoled them, assuring them that things couldnot be otherwise. "for," said he, "all that is is for the best.if there is a volcano at lisbon it cannot be elsewhere. it is impossible that thingsshould be other than they are; for everything is right."a little man dressed in black, familiar of the inquisition, who sat by him, politelytook up his word and said: "apparently, then, sir, you do not believein original sin; for if all is for the best there has then been neither fall nor punishment.""i humbly ask your excellency's pardon," answered pangloss, still more politely; "for the falland curse of man necessarily entered into the system of the best of worlds.""sir," said the familiar, "you do not then
believe in liberty?""your excellency will excuse me," said pangloss; "liberty is consistent with absolute necessity,for it was necessary we should be free; for, in short, the determinate will——"pangloss was in the middle of his sentence, when the familiar beckoned to his footman,who gave him a glass of wine from porto or opporto.end of chapter v chapter vihow the portuguese made a beautiful auto-da-fã‰, to prevent any further earthquakes; and howcandide was publicly whipped. after the earthquake had destroyed three-fourthsof lisbon, the sages of that country could think of no means more effectual to preventutter ruin than to give the people a beautiful
auto-da-fã©; for it had been decided by theuniversity of coimbra, that the burning of a few people alive by a slow fire, and withgreat ceremony, is an infallible secret to hinder the earth from quaking.in consequence hereof, they had seized on a biscayner, convicted of having married hisgodmother, and on two portuguese, for rejecting the bacon which larded a chicken they wereeating; after dinner, they came and secured dr. pangloss, and his disciple candide, theone for speaking his mind, the other for having listened with an air of approbation. theywere conducted to separate apartments, extremely cold, as they were never incommoded by thesun. eight days after they were dressed in san-benitos and their heads ornamented withpaper mitres. the mitre and san-benito belonging
to candide were painted with reversed flamesand with devils that had neither tails nor claws; but pangloss's devils had claws andtails and the flames were upright. they marched in procession thus habited and heard a verypathetic sermon, followed by fine church music. candide was whipped in cadence while theywere singing; the biscayner, and the two men who had refused to eat bacon, were burnt;and pangloss was hanged, though that was not the custom. the same day the earth sustaineda most violent concussion. candide, terrified, amazed, desperate, allbloody, all palpitating, said to himself: "if this is the best of possible worlds, whatthen are the others? well, if i had been only whipped i could put up with it, for i experiencedthat among the bulgarians; but oh, my dear
pangloss! thou greatest of philosophers, thati should have seen you hanged, without knowing for what! oh, my dear anabaptist, thou bestof men, that thou should'st have been drowned in the very harbour! oh, miss cunegonde, thoupearl of girls! that thou should'st have had thy belly ripped open!"thus he was musing, scarce able to stand, preached at, whipped, absolved, and blessed,when an old woman accosted him saying: "my son, take courage and follow me."end of chapter vi chapter viihow the old woman took care of candide, and how he found the object he loved. candide did not take courage, but followedthe old woman to a decayed house, where she
gave him a pot of pomatum to anoint his sores,showed him a very neat little bed, with a suit of clothes hanging up, and left him somethingto eat and drink. "eat, drink, sleep," said she, "and may ourlady of atocha, the great st. anthony of padua, and the great st. james of compostella, receiveyou under their protection. i shall be back to-morrow."candide, amazed at all he had suffered and still more with the charity of the old woman,wished to kiss her hand. "it is not my hand you must kiss," said theold woman; "i shall be back to-morrow. anoint yourself with the pomatum, eat and sleep."candide, notwithstanding so many disasters, ate and slept. the next morning the old womanbrought him his breakfast, looked at his back,
and rubbed it herself with another ointment:in like manner she brought him his dinner; and at night she returned with his supper.the day following she went through the very same ceremonies."who are you?" said candide; "who has inspired you with so much goodness? what return cani make you?" the good woman made no answer; she returnedin the evening, but brought no supper. "come with me," she said, "and say nothing."she took him by the arm, and walked with him about a quarter of a mile into the country;they arrived at a lonely house, surrounded with gardens and canals. the old woman knockedat a little door, it opened, she led candide up a private staircase into a small apartmentrichly furnished. she left him on a brocaded
sofa, shut the door and went away. candidethought himself in a dream; indeed, that he had been dreaming unluckily all his life,and that the present moment was the only agreeable part of it all.the old woman returned very soon, supporting with difficulty a trembling woman of a majesticfigure, brilliant with jewels, and covered with a veil."take off that veil," said the old woman to candide.the young man approaches, he raises the veil with a timid hand. oh! what a moment! whatsurprise! he believes he beholds miss cunegonde? he really sees her! it is herself! his strengthfails him, he cannot utter a word, but drops at her feet. cunegonde falls upon the sofa.the old woman supplies a smelling bottle;
they come to themselves and recover theirspeech. as they began with broken accents, with questions and answers interchangeablyinterrupted with sighs, with tears, and cries. the old woman desired they would make lessnoise and then she left them to themselves. "what, is it you?" said candide, "you live?i find you again in portugal? then you have not been ravished? then they did not rip openyour belly as doctor pangloss informed me?" "yes, they did," said the beautiful cunegonde;"but those two accidents are not always mortal." "but were your father and mother killed?""it is but too true," answered cunegonde, in tears."and your brother?" "my brother also was killed.""and why are you in portugal? and how did
you know of my being here? and by what strangeadventure did you contrive to bring me to this house?""i will tell you all that," replied the lady, "but first of all let me know your history,since the innocent kiss you gave me and the kicks which you received."candide respectfully obeyed her, and though he was still in a surprise, though his voicewas feeble and trembling, though his back still pained him, yet he gave her a most ingenuousaccount of everything that had befallen him since the moment of their separation. cunegondelifted up her eyes to heaven; shed tears upon hearing of the death of the good anabaptistand of pangloss; after which she spoke as follows to candide, who did not lose a wordand devoured her with his eyes.
end of chapter vii chapter viiithe history of cunegonde. "i was in bed and fast asleep when it pleasedgod to send the bulgarians to our delightful castle of thunder-ten-tronckh; they slew myfather and brother, and cut my mother in pieces. a tall bulgarian, six feet high, perceivingthat i had fainted away at this sight, began to ravish me; this made me recover; i regainedmy senses, i cried, i struggled, i bit, i scratched, i wanted to tear out the tall bulgarian'seyes—not knowing that what happened at my father's house was the usual practice of war.the brute gave me a cut in the left side with his hanger, and the mark is still upon me.""ah! i hope i shall see it," said honest candide.
"you shall," said cunegonde, "but let us continue.""do so," replied candide. thus she resumed the thread of her story:"a bulgarian captain came in, saw me all bleeding, and the soldier not in the least disconcerted.the captain flew into a passion at the disrespectful behaviour of the brute, and slew him on mybody. he ordered my wounds to be dressed, and took me to his quarters as a prisonerof war. i washed the few shirts that he had, i did his cooking; he thought me very pretty—heavowed it; on the other hand, i must own he had a good shape, and a soft and white skin;but he had little or no mind or philosophy, and you might see plainly that he had neverbeen instructed by doctor pangloss. in three months time, having lost all his money, andbeing grown tired of my company, he sold me
to a jew, named don issachar, who traded toholland and portugal, and had a strong passion for women. this jew was much attached to myperson, but could not triumph over it; i resisted him better than the bulgarian soldier. a modestwoman may be ravished once, but her virtue is strengthened by it. in order to renderme more tractable, he brought me to this country house. hitherto i had imagined that nothingcould equal the beauty of thunder-ten-tronckh castle; but i found i was mistaken."the grand inquisitor, seeing me one day at mass, stared long at me, and sent to tellme that he wished to speak on private matters. i was conducted to his palace, where i acquaintedhim with the history of my family, and he represented to me how much it was beneathmy rank to belong to an israelite. a proposal
was then made to don issachar that he shouldresign me to my lord. don issachar, being the court banker, and a man of credit, wouldhear nothing of it. the inquisitor threatened him with an auto-da-fã©. at last my jew, intimidated,concluded a bargain, by which the house and myself should belong to both in common; thejew should have for himself monday, wednesday, and saturday, and the inquisitor should havethe rest of the week. it is now six months since this agreement was made. quarrels havenot been wanting, for they could not decide whether the night from saturday to sundaybelonged to the old law or to the new. for my part, i have so far held out against both,and i verily believe that this is the reason why i am still beloved."at length, to avert the scourge of earthquakes,
and to intimidate don issachar, my lord inquisitorwas pleased to celebrate an auto-da-fã©. he did me the honour to invite me to the ceremony.i had a very good seat, and the ladies were served with refreshments between mass andthe execution. i was in truth seized with horror at the burning of those two jews, andof the honest biscayner who had married his godmother; but what was my surprise, my fright,my trouble, when i saw in a san-benito and mitre a figure which resembled that of pangloss!i rubbed my eyes, i looked at him attentively, i saw him hung; i fainted. scarcely had irecovered my senses than i saw you stripped, stark naked, and this was the height of myhorror, consternation, grief, and despair. i tell you, truthfully, that your skin isyet whiter and of a more perfect colour than
that of my bulgarian captain. this spectacleredoubled all the feelings which overwhelmed and devoured me. i screamed out, and wouldhave said, 'stop, barbarians!' but my voice failed me, and my cries would have been uselessafter you had been severely whipped. how is it possible, said i, that the beloved candideand the wise pangloss should both be at lisbon, the one to receive a hundred lashes, and theother to be hanged by the grand inquisitor, of whom i am the well-beloved? pangloss mostcruelly deceived me when he said that everything in the world is for the best."agitated, lost, sometimes beside myself, and sometimes ready to die of weakness, mymind was filled with the massacre of my father, mother, and brother, with the insolence ofthe ugly bulgarian soldier, with the stab
that he gave me, with my servitude under thebulgarian captain, with my hideous don issachar, with my abominable inquisitor, with the executionof doctor pangloss, with the grand miserere to which they whipped you, and especiallywith the kiss i gave you behind the screen the day that i had last seen you. i praisedgod for bringing you back to me after so many trials, and i charged my old woman to takecare of you, and to conduct you hither as soon as possible. she has executed her commissionperfectly well; i have tasted the inexpressible pleasure of seeing you again, of hearing you,of speaking with you. but you must be hungry, for myself, i am famished; let us have supper."they both sat down to table, and, when supper was over, they placed themselves once moreon the sofa; where they were when signor don
issachar arrived. it was the jewish sabbath,and issachar had come to enjoy his rights, and to explain his tender love.end of chapter viii chapter ixwhat became of cunegonde, candide, the grand inquisitor, and the jew. this issachar was the most choleric hebrewthat had ever been seen in israel since the captivity in babylon."what!" said he, "thou bitch of a galilean, was not the inquisitor enough for thee? mustthis rascal also share with me?" in saying this he drew a long poniard whichhe always carried about him; and not imagining that his adversary had any arms he threw himselfupon candide: but our honest westphalian had
received a handsome sword from the old womanalong with the suit of clothes. he drew his rapier, despite his gentleness, and laid theisraelite stone dead upon the cushions at cunegonde's feet."holy virgin!" cried she, "what will become of us? a man killed in my apartment! if theofficers of justice come, we are lost!" "had not pangloss been hanged," said candide,"he would give us good counsel in this emergency, for he was a profound philosopher. failinghim let us consult the old woman." she was very prudent and commenced to giveher opinion when suddenly another little door opened. it was an hour after midnight, itwas the beginning of sunday. this day belonged to my lord the inquisitor. he entered, andsaw the whipped candide, sword in hand, a
dead man upon the floor, cunegonde aghast,and the old woman giving counsel. at this moment, the following is what passedin the soul of candide, and how he reasoned: if this holy man call in assistance, he willsurely have me burnt; and cunegonde will perhaps be served in the same manner; he was the causeof my being cruelly whipped; he is my rival; and, as i have now begun to kill, i will killaway, for there is no time to hesitate. this reasoning was clear and instantaneous; sothat without giving time to the inquisitor to recover from his surprise, he pierced himthrough and through, and cast him beside the jew."yet again!" said cunegonde, "now there is no mercy for us, we are excommunicated, ourlast hour has come. how could you do it? you,
naturally so gentle, to slay a jew and a prelatein two minutes!" "my beautiful young lady," responded candide,"when one is a lover, jealous and whipped by the inquisition, one stops at nothing."the old woman then put in her word, saying: "there are three andalusian horses in thestable with bridles and saddles, let the brave candide get them ready; madame has money,jewels; let us therefore mount quickly on horseback, though i can sit only on one buttock;let us set out for cadiz, it is the finest weather in the world, and there is great pleasurein travelling in the cool of the night." immediately candide saddled the three horses,and cunegonde, the old woman and he, travelled thirty miles at a stretch. while they werejourneying, the holy brotherhood entered the
house; my lord the inquisitor was interredin a handsome church, and issachar's body was thrown upon a dunghill.candide, cunegonde, and the old woman, had now reached the little town of avacena inthe midst of the mountains of the sierra morena, and were speaking as follows in a public inn.end of chapter ix chapter xin what distress candide, cunegonde, and the old woman arrived at cadiz; and of their embarkation. "who was it that robbed me of my money andjewels?" said cunegonde, all bathed in tears. "how shall we live? what shall we do? wherefind inquisitors or jews who will give me more?""alas!" said the old woman, "i have a shrewd
suspicion of a reverend grey friar, who stayedlast night in the same inn with us at badajos. god preserve me from judging rashly, but hecame into our room twice, and he set out upon his journey long before us.""alas!" said candide, "dear pangloss has often demonstrated to me that the goods of thisworld are common to all men, and that each has an equal right to them. but accordingto these principles the grey friar ought to have left us enough to carry us through ourjourney. have you nothing at all left, my dear cunegonde?""not a farthing," said she. "what then must we do?" said candide."sell one of the horses," replied the old woman. "i will ride behind miss cunegonde,though i can hold myself only on one buttock,
and we shall reach cadiz."in the same inn there was a benedictine prior who bought the horse for a cheap price. candide,cunegonde, and the old woman, having passed through lucena, chillas, and lebrixa, arrivedat length at cadiz. a fleet was there getting ready, and troops assembling to bring to reasonthe reverend jesuit fathers of paraguay, accused of having made one of the native tribes inthe neighborhood of san sacrament revolt against the kings of spain and portugal. candide havingbeen in the bulgarian service, performed the military exercise before the general of thislittle army with so graceful an address, with so intrepid an air, and with such agilityand expedition, that he was given the command of a company of foot. now, he was a captain!he set sail with miss cunegonde, the old woman,
two valets, and the two andalusian horses,which had belonged to the grand inquisitor of portugal.during their voyage they reasoned a good deal on the philosophy of poor pangloss."we are going into another world," said candide; "and surely it must be there that all is forthe best. for i must confess there is reason to complain a little of what passeth in ourworld in regard to both natural and moral philosophy.""i love you with all my heart," said cunegonde; "but my soul is still full of fright at thatwhich i have seen and experienced." "all will be well," replied candide; "thesea of this new world is already better than our european sea; it is calmer, the windsmore regular. it is certainly the new world
which is the best of all possible worlds.""god grant it," said cunegonde; "but i have been so horribly unhappy there that my heartis almost closed to hope." "you complain," said the old woman; "alas!you have not known such misfortunes as mine." cunegonde almost broke out laughing, findingthe good woman very amusing, for pretending to have been as unfortunate as she."alas!" said cunegonde, "my good mother, unless you have been ravished by two bulgarians,have received two deep wounds in your belly, have had two castles demolished, have hadtwo mothers cut to pieces before your eyes, and two of your lovers whipped at an auto-da-fã©,i do not conceive how you could be more unfortunate than i. add that i was born a baroness ofseventy-two quarterings—and have been a
cook!""miss," replied the old woman, "you do not know my birth; and were i to show you my backside,you would not talk in that manner, but would suspend your judgment."this speech having raised extreme curiosity in the minds of cunegonde and candide, theold woman spoke to them as follows. end of chapter x chapter xihistory of the old woman. "i had not always bleared eyes and red eyelids;neither did my nose always touch my chin; nor was i always a servant. i am the daughterof pope urban x, and of the princess of palestrina. until the age of fourteen i was brought upin a palace, to which all the castles of your
german barons would scarcely have served forstables; and one of my robes was worth more than all the magnificence of westphalia. asi grew up i improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful accomplishment, in the midst of pleasures,hopes, and respectful homage. already i inspired love. my throat was formed, and such a throat!white, firm, and shaped like that of the venus of medici; and what eyes! what eyelids! whatblack eyebrows! such flames darted from my dark pupils that they eclipsed the scintillationof the stars—as i was told by the poets in our part of the world. my waiting women,when dressing and undressing me, used to fall into an ecstasy, whether they viewed me beforeor behind; how glad would the gentlemen have been to perform that office for them!"i was affianced to the most excellent prince
of massa carara. such a prince! as handsomeas myself, sweet-tempered, agreeable, brilliantly witty, and sparkling with love. i loved himas one loves for the first time—with idolatry, with transport. the nuptials were prepared.there was surprising pomp and magnificence; there were fãªtes, carousals, continual operabouffe; and all italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one of them was passable.i was just upon the point of reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marchioness whohad been mistress to the prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate with her. hedied in less than two hours of most terrible convulsions. but this is only a bagatelle.my mother, in despair, and scarcely less afflicted than myself, determined to absent herselffor some time from so fatal a place. she had
a very fine estate in the neighbourhood ofgaeta. we embarked on board a galley of the country which was gilded like the great altarof st. peter's at rome. a sallee corsair swooped down and boarded us. our men defended themselveslike the pope's soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, and threw down their arms,begging of the corsair an absolution in articulo mortis."instantly they were stripped as bare as monkeys; my mother, our maids of honour, and myselfwere all served in the same manner. it is amazing with what expedition those gentryundress people. but what surprised me most was, that they thrust their fingers into thepart of our bodies which the generality of women suffer no other instrument but—pipesto enter. it appeared to me a very strange
kind of ceremony; but thus one judges of thingswhen one has not seen the world. i afterwards learnt that it was to try whether we had concealedany diamonds. this is the practice established from time immemorial, among civilised nationsthat scour the seas. i was informed that the very religious knights of malta never failto make this search when they take any turkish prisoners of either sex. it is a law of nationsfrom which they never deviate. "i need not tell you how great a hardshipit was for a young princess and her mother to be made slaves and carried to morocco.you may easily imagine all we had to suffer on board the pirate vessel. my mother wasstill very handsome; our maids of honour, and even our waiting women, had more charmsthan are to be found in all africa. as for
myself, i was ravishing, was exquisite, graceitself, and i was a virgin! i did not remain so long; this flower, which had been reservedfor the handsome prince of massa carara, was plucked by the corsair captain. he was anabominable negro, and yet believed that he did me a great deal of honour. certainly theprincess of palestrina and myself must have been very strong to go through all that weexperienced until our arrival at morocco. but let us pass on; these are such commonthings as not to be worth mentioning. "morocco swam in blood when we arrived. fiftysons of the emperor muley-ismael had each their adherents; this produced fifty civilwars, of blacks against blacks, and blacks against tawnies, and tawnies against tawnies,and mulattoes against mulattoes. in short
it was a continual carnage throughout theempire. "no sooner were we landed, than the blacksof a contrary faction to that of my captain attempted to rob him of his booty. next tojewels and gold we were the most valuable things he had. i was witness to such a battleas you have never seen in your european climates. the northern nations have not that heat intheir blood, nor that raging lust for women, so common in africa. it seems that you europeanshave only milk in your veins; but it is vitriol, it is fire which runs in those of the inhabitantsof mount atlas and the neighbouring countries. they fought with the fury of the lions, tigers,and serpents of the country, to see who should have us. a moor seized my mother by the rightarm, while my captain's lieutenant held her
by the left; a moorish soldier had hold ofher by one leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. thus almost all our womenwere drawn in quarters by four men. my captain concealed me behind him; and with his drawnscimitar cut and slashed every one that opposed his fury. at length i saw all our italianwomen, and my mother herself, torn, mangled, massacred, by the monsters who disputed overthem. the slaves, my companions, those who had taken them, soldiers, sailors, blacks,whites, mulattoes, and at last my captain, all were killed, and i remained dying on aheap of dead. such scenes as this were transacted through an extent of three hundred leagues—andyet they never missed the five prayers a day ordained by mahomet."with difficulty i disengaged myself from
such a heap of slaughtered bodies, and crawledto a large orange tree on the bank of a neighbouring rivulet, where i fell, oppressed with fright,fatigue, horror, despair, and hunger. immediately after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselvesup to sleep, which was yet more swooning than repose. i was in this state of weakness andinsensibility, between life and death, when i felt myself pressed by something that movedupon my body. i opened my eyes, and saw a white man, of good countenance, who sighed,and who said between his teeth: 'o che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!'"end of chapter xi chapter xiithe adventures of the old woman continued. "astonished and delighted to hear my nativelanguage, and no less surprised at what this
man said, i made answer that there were muchgreater misfortunes than that of which he complained. i told him in a few words of thehorrors which i had endured, and fainted a second time. he carried me to a neighbouringhouse, put me to bed, gave me food, waited upon me, consoled me, flattered me; he toldme that he had never seen any one so beautiful as i, and that he never so much regrettedthe loss of what it was impossible to recover. "'i was born at naples,' said he, 'there theygeld two or three thousand children every year; some die of the operation, others acquirea voice more beautiful than that of women, and others are raised to offices of state.this operation was performed on me with great success and i was chapel musician to madam,the princess of palestrina.'
"'to my mother!' cried i."'your mother!' cried he, weeping. 'what! can you be that young princess whom i broughtup until the age of six years, and who promised so early to be as beautiful as you?'"'it is i, indeed; but my mother lies four hundred yards hence, torn in quarters, undera heap of dead bodies.' "i told him all my adventures, and he mademe acquainted with his; telling me that he had been sent to the emperor of morocco bya christian power, to conclude a treaty with that prince, in consequence of which he wasto be furnished with military stores and ships to help to demolish the commerce of otherchristian governments. "'my mission is done,' said this honest eunuch;'i go to embark for ceuta, and will take you
to italy. ma che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!'"i thanked him with tears of commiseration; and instead of taking me to italy he conductedme to algiers, where he sold me to the dey. scarcely was i sold, than the plague whichhad made the tour of africa, asia, and europe, broke out with great malignancy in algiers.you have seen earthquakes; but pray, miss, have you ever had the plague?""never," answered cunegonde. "if you had," said the old woman, "you wouldacknowledge that it is far more terrible than an earthquake. it is common in africa, andi caught it. imagine to yourself the distressed situation of the daughter of a pope, onlyfifteen years old, who, in less than three months, had felt the miseries of poverty andslavery, had been ravished almost every day,
had beheld her mother drawn in quarters, hadexperienced famine and war, and was dying of the plague in algiers. i did not die, however,but my eunuch, and the dey, and almost the whole seraglio of algiers perished."as soon as the first fury of this terrible pestilence was over, a sale was made of thedey's slaves; i was purchased by a merchant, and carried to tunis; this man sold me toanother merchant, who sold me again to another at tripoli; from tripoli i was sold to alexandria,from alexandria to smyrna, and from smyrna to constantinople. at length i became theproperty of an aga of the janissaries, who was soon ordered away to the defence of azof,then besieged by the russians. "the aga, who was a very gallant man, tookhis whole seraglio with him, and lodged us
in a small fort on the palus mã©otides, guardedby two black eunuchs and twenty soldiers. the turks killed prodigious numbers of therussians, but the latter had their revenge. azof was destroyed by fire, the inhabitantsput to the sword, neither sex nor age was spared; until there remained only our littlefort, and the enemy wanted to starve us out. the twenty janissaries had sworn they wouldnever surrender. the extremities of famine to which they were reduced, obliged them toeat our two eunuchs, for fear of violating their oath. and at the end of a few days theyresolved also to devour the women. "we had a very pious and humane iman, whopreached an excellent sermon, exhorting them not to kill us all at once."'only cut off a buttock of each of those
ladies,' said he, 'and you'll fare extremelywell; if you must go to it again, there will be the same entertainment a few days hence;heaven will accept of so charitable an action, and send you relief.'"he had great eloquence; he persuaded them; we underwent this terrible operation. theiman applied the same balsam to us, as he does to children after circumcision; and weall nearly died. "scarcely had the janissaries finished therepast with which we had furnished them, than the russians came in flat-bottomed boats;not a janissary escaped. the russians paid no attention to the condition we were in.there are french surgeons in all parts of the world; one of them who was very clevertook us under his care—he cured us; and
as long as i live i shall remember that assoon as my wounds were healed he made proposals to me. he bid us all be of good cheer, tellingus that the like had happened in many sieges, and that it was according to the laws of war."as soon as my companions could walk, they were obliged to set out for moscow. i fellto the share of a boyard who made me his gardener, and gave me twenty lashes a day. but thisnobleman having in two years' time been broke upon the wheel along with thirty more boyardsfor some broils at court, i profited by that event; i fled. i traversed all russia; i wasa long time an inn-holder's servant at riga, the same at rostock, at vismar, at leipzig,at cassel, at utrecht, at leyden, at the hague, at rotterdam. i waxed old in misery and disgrace,having only one-half of my posteriors, and
always remembering i was a pope's daughter.a hundred times i was upon the point of killing myself; but still i loved life. this ridiculousfoible is perhaps one of our most fatal characteristics; for is there anything more absurd than towish to carry continually a burden which one can always throw down? to detest existenceand yet to cling to one's existence? in brief, to caress the serpent which devours us, tillhe has eaten our very heart? "in the different countries which it has beenmy lot to traverse, and the numerous inns where i have been servant, i have taken noticeof a vast number of people who held their own existence in abhorrence, and yet i neverknew of more than eight who voluntarily put an end to their misery; three negroes, fourenglishmen, and a german professor named robek.
i ended by being servant to the jew, don issachar,who placed me near your presence, my fair lady. i am determined to share your fate,and have been much more affected with your misfortunes than with my own. i would nevereven have spoken to you of my misfortunes, had you not piqued me a little, and if itwere not customary to tell stories on board a ship in order to pass away the time. inshort, miss cunegonde, i have had experience, i know the world; therefore i advise you todivert yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story; and if there be one ofthem all, that has not cursed his life many a time, that has not frequently looked uponhimself as the unhappiest of mortals, i give you leave to throw me headforemost into thesea."
end of chapter xii chapter xiiihow candide was forced away from his fair cunegonde and the old woman. the beautiful cunegonde having heard the oldwoman's history, paid her all the civilities due to a person of her rank and merit. shelikewise accepted her proposal, and engaged all the passengers, one after the other, torelate their adventures; and then both she and candide allowed that the old woman wasin the right. "it is a great pity," said candide, "thatthe sage pangloss was hanged contrary to custom at an auto-da-fã©; he would tell us most amazingthings in regard to the physical and moral
evils that overspread earth and sea, and ishould be able, with due respect, to make a few objections."while each passenger was recounting his story, the ship made her way. they landed at buenosayres. cunegonde, captain candide, and the old woman, waited on the governor, don fernandod'ibaraa, y figueora, y mascarenes, y lampourdos, y souza. this nobleman had a stateliness becominga person who bore so many names. he spoke to men with so noble a disdain, carried hisnose so loftily, raised his voice so unmercifully, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked withsuch intolerable pride, that those who saluted him were strongly inclined to give him a gooddrubbing. cunegonde appeared to him the most beautiful he had ever met. the first thinghe did was to ask whether she was not the
captain's wife. the manner in which he askedthe question alarmed candide; he durst not say she was his wife, because indeed she wasnot; neither durst he say she was his sister, because it was not so; and although this obliginglie had been formerly much in favour among the ancients, and although it could be usefulto the moderns, his soul was too pure to betray the truth."miss cunegonde," said he, "is to do me the honour to marry me, and we beseech your excellencyto deign to sanction our marriage." don fernando d'ibaraa, y figueora, y mascarenes,y lampourdos, y souza, turning up his moustachios, smiled mockingly, and ordered captain candideto go and review his company. candide obeyed, and the governor remained alone with misscunegonde. he declared his passion, protesting
he would marry her the next day in the faceof the church, or otherwise, just as should be agreeable to herself. cunegonde asked aquarter of an hour to consider of it, to consult the old woman, and to take her resolution.the old woman spoke thus to cunegonde: "miss, you have seventy-two quarterings, andnot a farthing; it is now in your power to be wife to the greatest lord in south america,who has very beautiful moustachios. is it for you to pique yourself upon inviolablefidelity? you have been ravished by bulgarians; a jew and an inquisitor have enjoyed yourfavours. misfortune gives sufficient excuse. i own, that if i were in your place, i shouldhave no scruple in marrying the governor and in making the fortune of captain candide."while the old woman spoke with all the prudence
which age and experience gave, a small shipentered the port on board of which were an alcalde and his alguazils, and this was whathad happened. as the old woman had shrewdly guessed, itwas a grey friar who stole cunegonde's money and jewels in the town of badajos, when sheand candide were escaping. the friar wanted to sell some of the diamonds to a jeweller;the jeweller knew them to be the grand inquisitor's. the friar before he was hanged confessed hehad stolen them. he described the persons, and the route they had taken. the flight ofcunegonde and candide was already known. they were traced to cadiz. a vessel was immediatelysent in pursuit of them. the vessel was already in the port of buenos ayres. the report spreadthat the alcalde was going to land, and that
he was in pursuit of the murderers of my lordthe grand inquisitor. the prudent old woman saw at once what was to be done."you cannot run away," said she to cunegonde, "and you have nothing to fear, for it wasnot you that killed my lord; besides the governor who loves you will not suffer you to be ill-treated;therefore stay." she then ran immediately to candide."fly," said she, "or in an hour you will be burnt."there was not a moment to lose; but how could he part from cunegonde, and where could heflee for shelter? end of chapter xiii chapter xivhow candide and cacambo were received by the
jesuits of paraguay.candide had brought such a valet with him from cadiz, as one often meets with on thecoasts of spain and in the american colonies. he was a quarter spaniard, born of a mongrelin tucuman; he had been singing-boy, sacristan, sailor, monk, pedlar, soldier, and lackey.his name was cacambo, and he loved his master, because his master was a very good man. hequickly saddled the two andalusian horses. "come, master, let us follow the old woman'sadvice; let us start, and run without looking behind us."candide shed tears. "oh! my dear cunegonde! must i leave you justat a time when the governor was going to sanction our nuptials? cunegonde, brought to such adistance what will become of you?"
"she will do as well as she can," said cacambo;"the women are never at a loss, god provides for them, let us run.""whither art thou carrying me? where shall we go? what shall we do without cunegonde?"said candide. "by st. james of compostella," said cacambo,"you were going to fight against the jesuits; let us go to fight for them; i know the roadwell, i'll conduct you to their kingdom, where they will be charmed to have a captain thatunderstands the bulgarian exercise. you'll make a prodigious fortune; if we cannot findour account in one world we shall in another. it is a great pleasure to see and do new things.""you have before been in paraguay, then?" said candide."ay, sure," answered cacambo, "i was servant
in the college of the assumption, and am acquaintedwith the government of the good fathers as well as i am with the streets of cadiz. itis an admirable government. the kingdom is upwards of three hundred leagues in diameter,and divided into thirty provinces; there the fathers possess all, and the people nothing;it is a masterpiece of reason and justice. for my part i see nothing so divine as thefathers who here make war upon the kings of spain and portugal, and in europe confessthose kings; who here kill spaniards, and in madrid send them to heaven; this delightsme, let us push forward. you are going to be the happiest of mortals. what pleasurewill it be to those fathers to hear that a captain who knows the bulgarian exercise hascome to them!"
as soon as they reached the first barrier,cacambo told the advanced guard that a captain wanted to speak with my lord the commandant.notice was given to the main guard, and immediately a paraguayan officer ran and laid himselfat the feet of the commandant, to impart this news to him. candide and cacambo were disarmed,and their two andalusian horses seized. the strangers were introduced between two filesof musketeers; the commandant was at the further end, with the three-cornered cap on his head,his gown tucked up, a sword by his side, and a spontoon in his hand. he beckoned, and straightwaythe new-comers were encompassed by four-and-twenty soldiers. a sergeant told them they must wait,that the commandant could not speak to them, and that the reverend father provincial doesnot suffer any spaniard to open his mouth
but in his presence, or to stay above threehours in the province. "and where is the reverend father provincial?"said cacambo. "he is upon the parade just after celebratingmass," answered the sergeant, "and you cannot kiss his spurs till three hours hence.""however," said cacambo, "the captain is not a spaniard, but a german, he is ready to perishwith hunger as well as myself; cannot we have something for breakfast, while we wait forhis reverence?" the sergeant went immediately to acquaintthe commandant with what he had heard. "god be praised!" said the reverend commandant,"since he is a german, i may speak to him; take him to my arbour."candide was at once conducted to a beautiful
summer-house, ornamented with a very prettycolonnade of green and gold marble, and with trellises, enclosing parraquets, humming-birds,fly-birds, guinea-hens, and all other rare birds. an excellent breakfast was providedin vessels of gold; and while the paraguayans were eating maize out of wooden dishes, inthe open fields and exposed to the heat of the sun, the reverend father commandant retiredto his arbour. he was a very handsome young man, with a fullface, white skin but high in colour; he had an arched eyebrow, a lively eye, red ears,vermilion lips, a bold air, but such a boldness as neither belonged to a spaniard nor a jesuit.they returned their arms to candide and cacambo, and also the two andalusian horses; to whomcacambo gave some oats to eat just by the
arbour, having an eye upon them all the whilefor fear of a surprise. candide first kissed the hem of the commandant'srobe, then they sat down to table. "you are, then, a german?" said the jesuitto him in that language. "yes, reverend father," answered candide.as they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great amazement, and withsuch an emotion as they could not conceal. "and from what part of germany do you come?"said the jesuit. "i am from the dirty province of westphalia,"answered candide; "i was born in the castle of thunder-ten-tronckh.""oh! heavens! is it possible?" cried the commandant. "what a miracle!" cried candide."is it really you?" said the commandant.
"it is not possible!" said candide.they drew back; they embraced; they shed rivulets of tears."what, is it you, reverend father? you, the brother of the fair cunegonde! you, that wasslain by the bulgarians! you, the baron's son! you, a jesuit in paraguay! i must confessthis is a strange world that we live in. oh, pangloss! pangloss! how glad you would beif you had not been hanged!" the commandant sent away the negro slavesand the paraguayans, who served them with liquors in goblets of rock-crystal. he thankedgod and st. ignatius a thousand times; he clasped candide in his arms; and their faceswere all bathed with tears. "you will be more surprised, more affected,and transported," said candide, "when i tell
you that cunegonde, your sister, whom youbelieve to have been ripped open, is in perfect health.""where?" "in your neighbourhood, with the governorof buenos ayres; and i was going to fight against you."every word which they uttered in this long conversation but added wonder to wonder. theirsouls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their ears, and sparkled in their eyes.as they were germans, they sat a good while at table, waiting for the reverend fatherprovincial, and the commandant spoke to his dear candide as follows.end of chapter xiv chapter xvhow candide killed the brother of his dear
cunegonde. "i shall have ever present to my memory thedreadful day, on which i saw my father and mother killed, and my sister ravished. whenthe bulgarians retired, my dear sister could not be found; but my mother, my father, andmyself, with two maid-servants and three little boys all of whom had been slain, were putin a hearse, to be conveyed for interment to a chapel belonging to the jesuits, withintwo leagues of our family seat. a jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water; it was horribly salt;a few drops of it fell into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids stirred a little;he put his hand upon my heart and felt it beat. i received assistance, and at the endof three weeks i recovered. you know, my dear
candide, i was very pretty; but i grew muchprettier, and the reverend father didrie, superior of that house, conceived the tenderestfriendship for me; he gave me the habit of the order, some years after i was sent torome. the father-general needed new levies of young german-jesuits. the sovereigns ofparaguay admit as few spanish jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations as beingmore subordinate to their commands. i was judged fit by the reverend father-generalto go and work in this vineyard. we set out—a pole, a tyrolese, and myself. upon my arrivali was honoured with a sub-deaconship and a lieutenancy. i am to-day colonel and priest.we shall give a warm reception to the king of spain's troops; i will answer for it thatthey shall be excommunicated and well beaten.
providence sends you here to assist us. butis it, indeed, true that my dear sister cunegonde is in the neighbourhood, with the governorof buenos ayres?" candide assured him on oath that nothing wasmore true, and their tears began afresh. the baron could not refrain from embracingcandide; he called him his brother, his saviour. "ah! perhaps," said he, "we shall together,my dear candide, enter the town as conquerors, and recover my sister cunegonde.""that is all i want," said candide, "for i intended to marry her, and i still hope todo so." "you insolent!" replied the baron, "wouldyou have the impudence to marry my sister who has seventy-two quarterings! i find thouhast the most consummate effrontery to dare
to mention so presumptuous a design!"candide, petrified at this speech, made answer: "reverend father, all the quarterings in theworld signify nothing; i rescued your sister from the arms of a jew and of an inquisitor;she has great obligations to me, she wishes to marry me; master pangloss always told methat all men are equal, and certainly i will marry her.""we shall see that, thou scoundrel!" said the jesuit baron de thunder-ten-tronckh, andthat instant struck him across the face with the flat of his sword. candide in an instantdrew his rapier, and plunged it up to the hilt in the jesuit's belly; but in pullingit out reeking hot, he burst into tears. "good god!" said he, "i have killed my oldmaster, my friend, my brother-in-law! i am
the best-natured creature in the world, andyet i have already killed three men, and of these three two were priests."cacambo, who stood sentry by the door of the arbour, ran to him."we have nothing more for it than to sell our lives as dearly as we can," said his masterto him, "without doubt some one will soon enter the arbour, and we must die sword inhand." cacambo, who had been in a great many scrapesin his lifetime, did not lose his head; he took the baron's jesuit habit, put it on candide,gave him the square cap, and made him mount on horseback. all this was done in the twinklingof an eye. "let us gallop fast, master, everybody willtake you for a jesuit, going to give directions
to your men, and we shall have passed thefrontiers before they will be able to overtake us."he flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in spanish:"make way, make way, for the reverend father colonel."end of chapter xv chapter xviadventures of the two travellers, with two girls, two monkeys, and the savages calledoreillons. candide and his valet had got beyond the barrier,before it was known in the camp that the german jesuit was dead. the wary cacambo had takencare to fill his wallet with bread, chocolate, bacon, fruit, and a few bottles of wine. withtheir andalusian horses they penetrated into
an unknown country, where they perceived nobeaten track. at length they came to a beautiful meadow intersected with purling rills. hereour two adventurers fed their horses. cacambo proposed to his master to take some food,and he set him an example. "how can you ask me to eat ham," said candide,"after killing the baron's son, and being doomed never more to see the beautiful cunegonde?what will it avail me to spin out my wretched days and drag them far from her in remorseand despair? and what will the journal of trevoux say?"while he was thus lamenting his fate, he went on eating. the sun went down. the two wanderersheard some little cries which seemed to be uttered by women. they did not know whetherthey were cries of pain or joy; but they started
up precipitately with that inquietude andalarm which every little thing inspires in an unknown country. the noise was made bytwo naked girls, who tripped along the mead, while two monkeys were pursuing them and bitingtheir buttocks. candide was moved with pity; he had learned to fire a gun in the bulgarianservice, and he was so clever at it, that he could hit a filbert in a hedge withouttouching a leaf of the tree. he took up his double-barrelled spanish fusil, let it off,and killed the two monkeys. "god be praised! my dear cacambo, i have rescuedthose two poor creatures from a most perilous situation. if i have committed a sin in killingan inquisitor and a jesuit, i have made ample amends by saving the lives of these girls.perhaps they are young ladies of family; and
this adventure may procure us great advantagesin this country." he was continuing, but stopped short whenhe saw the two girls tenderly embracing the monkeys, bathing their bodies in tears, andrending the air with the most dismal lamentations. "little did i expect to see such good-nature,"said he at length to cacambo; who made answer: "master, you have done a fine thing now; youhave slain the sweethearts of those two young ladies.""the sweethearts! is it possible? you are jesting, cacambo, i can never believe it!""dear master," replied cacambo; "you are surprised at everything. why should you think it sostrange that in some countries there are monkeys which insinuate themselves into the good gracesof the ladies; they are a fourth part human,
as i am a fourth part spaniard.""alas!" replied candide, "i remember to have heard master pangloss say, that formerly suchaccidents used to happen; that these mixtures were productive of centaurs, fauns, and satyrs;and that many of the ancients had seen such monsters, but i looked upon the whole as fabulous.""you ought now to be convinced," said cacambo, "that it is the truth, and you see what useis made of those creatures, by persons that have not had a proper education; all i fearis that those ladies will play us some ugly trick."these sound reflections induced candide to leave the meadow and to plunge into a wood.he supped there with cacambo; and after cursing the portuguese inquisitor, the governor ofbuenos ayres, and the baron, they fell asleep
on moss. on awaking they felt that they couldnot move; for during the night the oreillons, who inhabited that country, and to whom theladies had denounced them, had bound them with cords made of the bark of trees. theywere encompassed by fifty naked oreillons, armed with bows and arrows, with clubs andflint hatchets. some were making a large cauldron boil, others were preparing spits, and allcried: "a jesuit! a jesuit! we shall be revenged,we shall have excellent cheer, let us eat the jesuit, let us eat him up!""i told you, my dear master," cried cacambo sadly, "that those two girls would play ussome ugly trick." candide seeing the cauldron and the spits,cried:
"we are certainly going to be either roastedor boiled. ah! what would master pangloss say, were he to see how pure nature is formed?everything is right, may be, but i declare it is very hard to have lost miss cunegondeand to be put upon a spit by oreillons." cacambo never lost his head."do not despair," said he to the disconsolate candide, "i understand a little of the jargonof these people, i will speak to them." "be sure," said candide, "to represent tothem how frightfully inhuman it is to cook men, and how very un-christian.""gentlemen," said cacambo, "you reckon you are to-day going to feast upon a jesuit. itis all very well, nothing is more unjust than thus to treat your enemies. indeed, the lawof nature teaches us to kill our neighbour,
and such is the practice all over the world.if we do not accustom ourselves to eating them, it is because we have better fare. butyou have not the same resources as we; certainly it is much better to devour your enemies thanto resign to the crows and rooks the fruits of your victory. but, gentlemen, surely youwould not choose to eat your friends. you believe that you are going to spit a jesuit,and he is your defender. it is the enemy of your enemies that you are going to roast.as for myself, i was born in your country; this gentleman is my master, and, far frombeing a jesuit, he has just killed one, whose spoils he wears; and thence comes your mistake.to convince you of the truth of what i say, take his habit and carry it to the first barrierof the jesuit kingdom, and inform yourselves
whether my master did not kill a jesuit officer.it will not take you long, and you can always eat us if you find that i have lied to you.but i have told you the truth. you are too well acquainted with the principles of publiclaw, humanity, and justice not to pardon us." the oreillons found this speech very reasonable.they deputed two of their principal people with all expedition to inquire into the truthof the matter; these executed their commission like men of sense, and soon returned withgood news. the oreillons untied their prisoners, showed them all sorts of civilities, offeredthem girls, gave them refreshment, and reconducted them to the confines of their territories,proclaiming with great joy: "he is no jesuit! he is no jesuit!"candide could not help being surprised at
the cause of his deliverance."what people!" said he; "what men! what manners! if i had not been so lucky as to run misscunegonde's brother through the body, i should have been devoured without redemption. but,after all, pure nature is good, since these people, instead of feasting upon my flesh,have shown me a thousand civilities, when then i was not a jesuit."end of chapter xvi chapter xviiarrival of candide and his valet at el dorado, and what they saw there. "you see," said cacambo to candide, as soonas they had reached the frontiers of the oreillons, "that this hemisphere is not better than theothers, take my word for it; let us go back
to europe by the shortest way.""how go back?" said candide, "and where shall we go? to my own country? the bulgarians andthe abares are slaying all; to portugal? there i shall be burnt; and if we abide here weare every moment in danger of being spitted. but how can i resolve to quit a part of theworld where my dear cunegonde resides?" "let us turn towards cayenne," said cacambo,"there we shall find frenchmen, who wander all over the world; they may assist us; godwill perhaps have pity on us." it was not easy to get to cayenne; they knewvaguely in which direction to go, but rivers, precipices, robbers, savages, obstructed themall the way. their horses died of fatigue. their provisions were consumed; they fed awhole month upon wild fruits, and found themselves
at last near a little river bordered withcocoa trees, which sustained their lives and their hopes.cacambo, who was as good a counsellor as the old woman, said to candide:"we are able to hold out no longer; we have walked enough. i see an empty canoe near theriver-side; let us fill it with cocoanuts, throw ourselves into it, and go with the current;a river always leads to some inhabited spot. if we do not find pleasant things we shallat least find new things." "with all my heart," said candide, "let usrecommend ourselves to providence." they rowed a few leagues, between banks, insome places flowery, in others barren; in some parts smooth, in others rugged. the streamever widened, and at length lost itself under
an arch of frightful rocks which reached tothe sky. the two travellers had the courage to commit themselves to the current. the river,suddenly contracting at this place, whirled them along with a dreadful noise and rapidity.at the end of four-and-twenty hours they saw daylight again, but their canoe was dashedto pieces against the rocks. for a league they had to creep from rock to rock, untilat length they discovered an extensive plain, bounded by inaccessible mountains. the countrywas cultivated as much for pleasure as for necessity. on all sides the useful was alsothe beautiful. the roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages of a glitteringform and substance, in which were men and women of surprising beauty, drawn by largered sheep which surpassed in fleetness the
finest coursers of andalusia, tetuan, andmequinez. "here, however, is a country," said candide,"which is better than westphalia." he stepped out with cacambo towards the firstvillage which he saw. some children dressed in tattered brocades played at quoits on theoutskirts. our travellers from the other world amused themselves by looking on. the quoitswere large round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast a singular lustre! the travellerspicked a few of them off the ground; this was of gold, that of emeralds, the other ofrubies—the least of them would have been the greatest ornament on the mogul's throne."without doubt," said cacambo, "these children must be the king's sons that are playing atquoits!"
the village schoolmaster appeared at thismoment and called them to school. "there," said candide, "is the preceptor ofthe royal family." the little truants immediately quitted theirgame, leaving the quoits on the ground with all their other playthings. candide gatheredthem up, ran to the master, and presented them to him in a most humble manner, givinghim to understand by signs that their royal highnesses had forgotten their gold and jewels.the schoolmaster, smiling, flung them upon the ground; then, looking at candide witha good deal of surprise, went about his business. the travellers, however, took care to gatherup the gold, the rubies, and the emeralds. "where are we?" cried candide. "the king'schildren in this country must be well brought
up, since they are taught to despise goldand precious stones." cacambo was as much surprised as candide.at length they drew near the first house in the village. it was built like an europeanpalace. a crowd of people pressed about the door, and there were still more in the house.they heard most agreeable music, and were aware of a delicious odour of cooking. cacambowent up to the door and heard they were talking peruvian; it was his mother tongue, for itis well known that cacambo was born in tucuman, in a village where no other language was spoken."i will be your interpreter here," said he to candide; "let us go in, it is a public-house."immediately two waiters and two girls, dressed in cloth of gold, and their hair tied up withribbons, invited them to sit down to table
with the landlord. they served four dishesof soup, each garnished with two young parrots; a boiled condor which weighed two hundredpounds; two roasted monkeys, of excellent flavour; three hundred humming-birds in onedish, and six hundred fly-birds in another; exquisite ragouts; delicious pastries; thewhole served up in dishes of a kind of rock-crystal. the waiters and girls poured out several liqueursdrawn from the sugar-cane. most of the company were chapmen and waggoners,all extremely polite; they asked cacambo a few questions with the greatest circumspection,and answered his in the most obliging manner. as soon as dinner was over, cacambo believedas well as candide that they might well pay their reckoning by laying down two of thoselarge gold pieces which they had picked up.
the landlord and landlady shouted with laughterand held their sides. when the fit was over: "gentlemen," said the landlord, "it is plainyou are strangers, and such guests we are not accustomed to see; pardon us thereforefor laughing when you offered us the pebbles from our highroads in payment of your reckoning.you doubtless have not the money of the country; but it is not necessary to have any moneyat all to dine in this house. all hostelries established for the convenience of commerceare paid by the government. you have fared but very indifferently because this is a poorvillage; but everywhere else, you will be received as you deserve."cacambo explained this whole discourse with great astonishment to candide, who was asgreatly astonished to hear it.
"what sort of a country then is this," saidthey to one another; "a country unknown to all the rest of the world, and where natureis of a kind so different from ours? it is probably the country where all is well; forthere absolutely must be one such place. and, whatever master pangloss might say, i oftenfound that things went very ill in westphalia." end of chapter xvii
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