yollopby george barr mccutcheon chapter onein the first place, mr. yollop knew nothing about firearms. and so, after he had overpoweredthe burglar and relieved him of a fully loaded thirty-eight, he was singularly unimpressedby the following tribute from the bewildered and somewhat exasperated captive:"say, ain't you got any more sense than to tackle a man with a gun, you chuckle-headedidiot?" (only he did not say "chuckle-headed," and he inserted several expletives between"say" and "ain't.") the dazed intruder was hunched limply, ina sitting posture, over against the wall, one hand clamped tightly to his jaw, the otherbeing elevated in obedience to a command that
had to be thrice repeated before it foundlodgment in his whirling brain. mr. yollop, who seemed to be satisfied with the holdingup of but one hand, cupped his own hand at the back of one ear, and demanded querulously:"what say!" "are you hard o' hearin'?""hey?" "well for the—say, are you deef?""don't say deef. say deaf,—as if it were spelled double e double f. yes,—i am a littlehard of hearing." "now, how the hell did you hear—i say, howdid you hear me in the room, if it's a fair question?""if you've got anything in your mouth, spit it out. i can't make out half what you say.sounds like 'ollo—ollo—ollo'!"
the thief opened his mouth and with his tongueinstituted a visible search for the obstruction that appeared to annoy mr. yollop."they're all here except the one i had pulled last year," he announced vastly relieved.a sharp spasm of pain in his jaw caused him to abruptly take advantage of a recent discovery;and while he was careful to couch his opinions in an undertone, he told mr. yollop what hethought of him in terms that would have put the hardiest pirate to blush. something inmr. yollop's eye, however, and the fidgety way in which he was fingering the triggerof the pistol, moved him to interrupt a particularly satisfying paean of blasphemy by breakingoff short in the very middle of it to wonder why in god's name he hadn't had sense enoughto remember that all deaf people are lip-readers.
"spit it out!" repeated mr. yollop, with energy."don't talk with your mouth full. i can't understand a word you say."this was reassuring but not convincing. there was still the ominous glitter in the speaker'seye to be reckoned with. the man on the floor took the precaution to explain: "i hope youdidn't hear what i was callin' myself." he spoke loudly and very distinctly."that's better," said mr. yollop, his face brightening. "i was 'afraid my hearing hadgot worse without my knowing it. all you have to do is to enunciate distinctly and speakslowly like that,—as if you were isolating the words,—so to speak,—and i can makeout everything you say. what were you calling yourself?""oh, just a lot of names. i'd sooner not repeat
'em if there's any women in the house.""well, bless my soul, that's uncommonly thoughtful of you. my sister and her young daughter arehere to spend the holidays with me. they sleep at the back of the apartment. now, if youwill just remain as you are,—i dare say you'd better put up the other hand, too, ifyou can spare it,—i will back up to the table here and get my listening apparatus.now you won't have to shout so. i don't know much about revolvers, but i assume that allone has to do to make it go off is to press rather firmly on this little contrivance—""yes! but don't!" "not so loud! not so loud! i'm not as deafas all that. and don't move! i give you fair warning. watch me closely. if you see me shutmy eyes, you will know i'm going to shoot.
remember that, will you? the instant you detectthe slightest indication that my eyes are about to close,—dodge!""by thunder,—i—i wonder if you're as much of a blame fool as you seem to be,—or areyou just playing horse with me," muttered the victim, as he raised his other hand. "i'dgive ten years of my life to know,—" "i won't be a second," announced mr. yollop,backing gingerly toward the table. with his free hand he felt for and found the ratherelaborate contraption that furnished him with the means to counteract his auricular deficiencies.the hand holding the revolver wobbled a bit; nevertheless, the little black hole at whichthe dazed robber stared as if fascinated was amazingly steadfast in its regard for thesecond or perhaps the third button of his
coat. "it's a rather complicated arrangement,"he went on to explain, "but very simple once you get it adjusted to the ear. it took mesome time to get used to wearing this steel band over the top of my head. i never havetried to put it on with one hand before. amazing how awkward one can be with his left hand,isn't it? now, you see how it goes. this little receiver business clamps right down to theear,—so. then this disc hangs over my chest—and you talk right at it. for awhile i made apractice of concealing it under my vest, being somewhat sensitive about having strangerssee that i am deaf, but one day my niece, a very bright child often, asked me why idid it. i told her it was because i didn't want people to know i was deaf. have you everfelt so foolish that you wanted to kick yourself
all over town? well, then you know how i feltwhen that blessed infant pointed to this thing on my ear and—what say?""i say, that's the way i've been feeling ever since i came to," repeated the disgusted burglar."of course, i realize that it's a physical, you might well say, a scientific impossibility,for one to kick himself all over town, but just the same, i believe you are as nearlyin the mood to accomplish it as any man alive to-day.""you bet i could," snapped the thief, with great earnestness. "when i think how i leta skinny, half-witted boob like you walk right into a clinch with me, and me holdin' a gun,and weighin' forty pounds more than you do, i—can you hear what i'm saying?""perfectly. it's a wonderful invention," said
mr. yollop, who had approached to within fouror five feet of the speaker and was bending over to afford him every facility for plantinghis words squarely upon the disc. "speak in the same tone of voice that you would employif i were about thirty feet away and perfectly sound of hearing. just imagine, if you can,that i am out in the hall, with the door open, and you are carrying on a conversation withme at that—" "i've said all i want to say," growled theother sullenly. "what is your name?""none of your damn business." mr. yollop was silent for a moment. then heinquired steadily: "have you any recollection of receiving ablow on the jaw, and subsequently lying on
the flat of your back with my knees jouncingup and down on your stomach while your bump of amativeness was being roughly and somewhatregularly pounded against the wall in response to a certain nervous and uncontrollable movementof my hands which happened to be squeezing your windpipe so tightly that your tonguehung out and—" "you bet i remember it!" ruefully."well, then," said mr. yollop, "what is your name?""jones." "what?""i thought you said you could hear with that thing!""i heard you say jones quite distinctly, but why can't you answer my question? it was civilenough, wasn't it?"
"well," said the crook, still decidedly uncertainas to the expression in mr. yollop's eye, "if you insist on a civil answer, it's smilk.""smith?" "no, not smith," hastily and earnestly; "smilk,—s-m-i-l-k.""smilk?" "smilk.""extraordinary name. i've never heard it before, have you?"the rascal blinked. "sure. it was my father's name before me, and my—""look me in the eye!" "i am lookin' you in the eye. it's smilk,—cassiussmilk." "sounds convincing," admitted mr. yollop."nobody would take the name of cassius in vain, i am sure. as a sensible, discriminatingthief, you would not deliberately steal a
name like cassius, now would you?""well, you see, they call me cash for short," explained smilk. "that's something i can stealwith a clear conscience." "i perceive you are recovering your wits,mr. smilk. you appear to be a most ingenuous rogue. have you ever tried writing the bookfor a musical comedy?" "a—what?""a musical comedy. a forty-legged thing you see on broadway."mr. smilk pondered. "no, sir," he replied, allowing himself a prideful leer; "if i dosay it as shouldn't, i'm an honest thief." "bless my soul," cried mr. yollop delightedly;"you get brighter every minute. perhaps you have at one time or another conducted a humorouscolumn for a metropolitan newspaper?"
"well, i've done my share towards fillin'up the 'lost' column," said mr. smilk modestly. "say, if we're going to keep up this talkfestmuch longer, i got to let my hands down. the blood's runnin' out of 'em. what are you goin'to do with me? keep me sittin' here till morning?" "i'm glad you reminded me of it. i want tocall the police." "well, i'm not hindering you, am i?""in a way, yes. how can i call them and keep an eye on you at the same time?""i'll tell what i'll do," said cassius smilk obligingly. "i'll take a message 'round tothe police station for you." "ah! that gives me an idea. you shall telephoneto the police for me. if my memory serves me well, spring 3100 is the number. or isit spring 3100 that calls out the fire department?
it would be very awkward to call out the firedepartment, wouldn't it? they'd probably come rushing around here and drown both of us beforethey found out wer'd made a mistake and really wanted the police.""all you have to do is to say to central: 'i want a policeman.'""right you are. that's what the telephone book says. still i believe spring 3100—""the simplest way to get the police," broke in the burglar, not without hope, "is to firefive shots out of a window as rapidly as possible. they always come for that.""i see what you are after. you want them to come here and arrest me for violating thesullivan law. don't you know it's against the law in new york to have a revolver onyour premises or person? and what's more,
you would testify against me, confound you.also probably have me up for assault and battery. no, mr. smilk, your suggestion is not a goodone. we will stick to the telephone. now, if you will be kind enough to fold your armstightly across your breast,—that's the idea,—and arise slowly to your feet, i will instructyou—yes, i know it is harder to get up without the aid of the hands than it was to go down,but i think you can manage it. try again, if you please." then, as mr. smilk sank sullenlyback against the wall, apparently resolved not to budge: "i'm going to count three, cassius.if you are not on your feet at the end of the count, i shall be obliged to do the telephoningmyself." "that suits me," said cassius grimly."do you object to the smell of powder?"
"huh?""i don't like it myself, but i should, of course, open the windows immediately and airthe room out—" "i'll get up," said cassius, and did so, clumsilybut promptly. "say, i—i believe you would shoot. you're just the kind of boob that woulddo a thing like that." "i dare say i should miss you if i were tofire all five bullets,—but that's neither here nor there. you're on your feet, so—bythe way, are you sure this thing is loaded?" "it wouldn't make any difference if it wasn't.it would go off just the same. they always do when some darn fool idiot is pointin' themat people." "don't be crotchetty, cassius," reproachedmr. yollop. "now, if you will just sidle around
to the left you will come in due time to thetelephone over there on that desk. i shall not be far behind you. sit down. now unfoldyour arms and lean both elbows on the desk. that's the idea. you might keep your righthand exposed,—sort of perpendicular from the elbow up. take the receiver off the hookand—" "oh, i know how to use a telephone all right.""now, the main thing is to get central," said mr. yollop imperturbably. "sometimes it isvery difficult to wake them after two o'clock a.m. just jiggle it if she doesn't respondat once. seems that jiggling wakes them when nothing else will."mr. yollop, very tall and spare in his pajamas, stood behind the burly mr. smilk, the danglingdisc almost touching the latter's hunched
up shoulders."this is a devil of a note," quoth mr. smilk, taking down the receiver. "makin' a guy telephoneto the police to come and arrest him." "i wish i had thought to close that windowwhile you were hors de combat," complained mr. yollop shivering. "i'll probably catchmy death of cold standing around here with almost nothing on. that wind comes straightfrom the north pole. doesn't she answer?" "no.""jiggle it." "i did jiggle it.""what?" "i said i jiggled it.""well, jiggle it again." "rottenest telephone service in the world,"growled mr. smilk. "when you think what we
have to pay for telephones these days, you'dthink—hello! hell—lo!" "got her?""i thought i had for a second, but i guess it was somebody yawning.""awning?" "say, if you'll hold that thing around so'si can talk at it, you'll hear what i'm saying. how do you expect me to—hello! central?central! hello! where the hell have you been all—hello! well, can you beat it? i hadher and she got away." "no use trying to get her now," said mr. yollop,resignedly. "hang up for a few minutes. it makes 'em stubborn when you swear at 'em.like mules. i've just thought of something else you can do for me while we're waitingfor her to make up her mind to forgive you.
come along over here and close this windowyou left open." mr. smilk in closing the window, looked searchinglyup and down the fire escape, peered intently into the street below, sighed profoundly andmuttered something that mr. yollop did not hear."i've got a fur coat hanging in that closet over there, cassius. we will get it out."carefully following mr. yollop's directions, the obliging rascal produced the coat andlaid it upon the table in the center of the room."turn your back," commanded the owner of the coat, "and hold up your hands." then, afterhe had slipped into the coat: "now if i only had my slippers—but never mind. we won'tbother about 'em. they're in my bed room,
and probably lost under the bed. they alwaysare, even when i take 'em off out in the middle of the room. ah! nothing like a fur coat,cassius. do you know what cockles are?" "no, i don't.""well, never mind. now, let's try central again. please remember that no matter howdistant she is, she still expects you to look upon her as a lady. no lady likes to be swornat at two o'clock in the morning. speak gently to her. call her madamoiselle. that alwaysgets them. makes 'em think if they keep their ears open they'll hear something spicy.""they general fall for dearie," said mr. smilk, taking down the receiver."be good enough to remember that you are calling from my apartment," said mr. yollop severely."jiggle it."
mr. smilk jiggled it. "i guess she's stillmad." "jiggle it slowly, tenderly, caressingly.sort of seductively. don't be so savage about it.""hello! central? what number do i have to call to get spring 3100? ... i'm not tryingto be fresh: ... yes, that's what i want ... i know the book says to tell you 'i want tocall a policeman' but— ... yes, there's a burglar in my apartment and i want you to—what'sthat? ... i don't want to go to bed. ... say, now you're gettin' fresh. you give me police—""tell her i've got you surrounded," whispered mr. yollop."hello! hell—lo! central!" "jiggle it.""ah, mademoiselle! pardon my—"
voice at the other end of the wire: "ringoff! you've got wrong number. this is police headquarters." audible sound of distant receiverbeing slapped upon its hook. "gee whiz! now, we're up against it, mister.we'll be all night gettin' central again." "be patient, cassius. start all over again.ask for the morgue this time. that will make her realize the grave danger you are in.""say, i wish you'd put that gun in your pocket. it makes the goose flesh creep out all overme. i'm not going to try to get away. give you my word of honor i ain't. you seem tohave some sort of idea that i don't want to be arrested.""i confess i had some such idea, cassius." "well, i don't mind it a bit. fact is, i'vebeen doin' my best to get nabbed for the last
three months.""you have?" "sure. the trouble is with the police. theysomehow seem to overlook me, no matter how open i am about it. i suppose i've committedtwenty burglaries in the past three months and i'll be cussed if i can make 'em understand.take to-night, for instance. i clumb up that fire escape,—this is the third floor, ain'tit?—i clumb up here with a big electric street light shinin' square on my back,—why,darn the luck, i had to turn my back on it 'cause the light hurt my eyes,—and therewere two cops standin' right down below here talkin' about the crime wave bein' all bunk,both of 'em arguin' that the best proof that there ain't no crime wave is the fact thatthe jails are only half full, showin' that
the city is gettin' more and more honest allthe time. i could hear 'em plain as anything. they were talkin' loud, so as to make everybodyin this buildin' rest easy, i guess. i stopped at the second floor and monkeyed with thewindow, hopin' to attract their attention. didn't work. so i had to climb up anotherflight. this window of yours was up about six inches, so there wasn't anything for meto do but to raise it and come in. what i had in mind was to stick my head out aftera minute or two and yell 'thieves', 'police', and so on. then before i knowed what was happenin',you walks in, switches on the light, and comes straight over and biffs me in the jaw. doesthat look as if i was tryin' to avoid arrest?" "that's a very pretty story, cassius, andno doubt will make a tremendous hit with the
jury, but what were you doing with a loadedrevolver in your hand, and why were you so full of vituperation,—i mean, what madeyou swear so when i—" "you let somebody hit you a wallop on thejaw and bang your head against the wall and dance on your ribs, and you'll cuss worsethan i did." "but,—about the revolver?""well, to be honest with you, i probably would have shot you if i hadn't been so low in mymind. i won't deny that. it's a sort of principle with us, you see. no self-respecting burglarwants to be captured by the party he's tryin' to rob. its so damn' mortifyin'. besides,if that sort of thing happens to you, the police lose all kinds of respect for you andtry to use you as a stool-pigeon, if you know
what that means.""this is most interesting, i must say. i should like to hear more about it, mr. smilk. i daresay we can have quite a long and edifying chat while we are waiting for the police torespond to our call for help. in the meantime, you might see if you can get them now. spring,three one hundred." "as i was sayin' awhile ago, would you mindputtin' that gun in your pocket?" "while you've been chinning, cassius, i havebeen making a most thrilling and amazing experiment. do you call this thing under here a trigger?""yes. don't monkey with it, you—you—" "i've been pressing it,—very gently andcautiously, of course,—to see just how near i can come to making it go off without actually—""for god's sakes! cut that—hey, central!
give me police headquarters again. ... lively,please. ... yes, it's life or death. ... come on, mademoiselle,—please!""that's the way," complimented mr. yollop. "by gosh, nobody ever wanted the police morethan i do at this minute," gulped mr. smilk. he was perspiring freely. "hello! police headquarters?... hustle someone to—to—(over his shoulder to mr. yollop, in a whisper,)—quick! what'sthe number of this,—" "418 sagamore terrace."into the transmitter: "to 418 sagamore terrace, third floor front. burglar. hurry up!"telephone: "what's yer name?" smilk, to yollop: "what is my name?""crittenden yollop." smilk, to telephone: "crittelyum yop."telephone, languidly: "spell it."
"aw, go to—""after me now,—y-o-l-l-o-p." "first name."smilk, prompted. "c-r-i-t-t-e-n-d-e-n." telephone, after interval: "what floor?""third." "are you sure it's a burglar, or is it justa noise somewhere?" "it's a burglar. he's got me covered.""what's that?" "i say, i've got him covered. hurry up orhe'll blow my head off—" "say, what is this? get back to bed, you.you're drunk." "i'm as sober as you are. can't you get mestraight? i tell you i beat his head off. he's down and out,—but—""all right. we'll have someone there in a
few minutes. did you say yullup?""no. i said hurry up." end of chapter one chapter two "the thing that's troubling me now," saidmr. yollop, as smilk hung up the receiver and twisted his head slightly to peek outof the corner of his eye, "is how to get hold of my slippers. you've no idea how cold thisfloor is." "if it's half as cold as the sweat i'm—-""we're likely to have a long wait," went on the other, frowning. "it will probably takethe police a couple of hours to find this building, with absolutely no clue except thenumber and the name of the street."
"i'll tell you what you might do, mr. scollop,seein' as you won't trust me to go in and find your slippers for you. why don't yousit on your feet? take that big arm chair over there and—""splendid! by jove, cassius, you are an uncommonly clever chap. i'll do it. and then, when thepolice arrive, we'll have something for them to do. we'll let them see if they can findmy slippers. that ought to be really quite interesting.""there's something about you," said mr. smilk, not without a touch of admiration in his voice,"that i simply can't help liking." "that's what the wolf said to little red riding-hood,if i remember correctly. however, i thank you, cassius. in spite of the thump i gaveyou and the disgusting way in which i treated
you, a visitor in my own house, you expressa liking for me. it is most gratifying. still, for the time being, i believe we can be muchbetter friends if i keep this pistol pointed at you. now we'll do a little maneuvering.you may remain seated where you are. however, i must ask you to pull out the two lower drawersin the desk,—one on either side of where your knees go. you will find them quite emptyand fairly commodious. now, put your right foot in the drawer on this side and your leftfoot in the other one—yes, i know it's quite a stretch, but i dare say you can manage it.sort of recalls the old days when evil-doers were put in the stocks, doesn't it? they seemto be quite a snug fit, don't they? if it is as difficult for you to extricate yourfeet from those drawers as it was to insert
them, i fancy i'm pretty safe from a suddenand impulsive dash in my direction. rather bright idea of mine, eh?""i'm beginnin' to change my opinion of you," announced mr. smilk.mr. yollop pushed a big unholstered library chair up to the opposite side of the deskand, after several awkward attempts, succeeded in sitting down, tailor fashion, with hisfeet neatly tucked away beneath him. "i wasn't quite sure i could do it," saidhe, rather proudly. "i suppose my feet will go to sleep in a very short time, but i amassuming, cassius, that you are too much of a gentleman to attack a man whose feet areasleep." "i wouldn't even attack you if they were snoring,"said cassius, grinning in spite of himself.
"say, this certainly beats anything i've evercome up against. if one of my pals was to happen to look in here right now and see mewith my feet in these drawers and you squattin' on yours,—well, i can't help laughin' myself,and god knows i hate to." "you were saying a little while ago," saidmr. yollop, shifting his position slightly, "that you rather fancy the idea of being arrested.isn't that a little quixotic, mr. smilk?" "huh?""i mean to say, do you expect me to believe you when you say you relish being arrested?""i don't care a whoop whether you believe it or not. it's true.""have you no fear of the law?" "bless your heart, sir, i don't know how i'dkeep body and soul together if it wasn't for
the law. if people would only let the lawalone, i'd be one of the happiest guys on earth. but, damn 'em, they won't let it alone.first, they put their heads together and frame up this blasted parole game on us. just aboutthe time we begin to think we're comfortably settled up the river, 'long comes some doggonehome-wrecker and gets us out on parole. then we got to go to work and begin all over again.sometimes, the way things are nowadays, it takes months to get back into the pen again.we got to live, ain't we? we got to eat, ain't we? well, there you are. why can't they leaveus alone instead of drivin' us out into a cold, unfeelin' world where we got to eithersteal or starve to death? there wouldn't be one tenth as much stealin' and murderin' asthere is if they didn't force us into it.
why, doggone it, i've seen some of the mostcruel and pitiful sights you ever heard of up there at sing sing. fellers leadin' a perfectlyhonest life suddenly chucked out into a world full of vice and iniquity and forced—absolutelyforced,—into a life of crime. there they were, livin' a quiet, peaceful life, harmin'nobody, and bing! they wake up some mornin' and find themselves homeless. do you realizewhat that means, mr. strumpet? it means—" "yollop, if you please.""it means they got to go out and slug some innocent citizen, some poor guy that had nothingwhatever to do with drivin' them out, and then if they happen to be caught they gotto go through with all the uncertainty of a trial by jury, never knowin' but what somepin-headed juror will stick out for acquittal
and make it necessary to go through with itall over again. and more than that, they got to listen to the testimony of a lot of policemen,and their own derned fool lawyers, tryin' to deprive them of their bread and butter,and the judge's instructions that nobody pays any attention to except the shorthand reporter,—andthem just settin' there sort of helpless and not even able to say a word in their own behalfbecause the law says they're innocent till they're proved guilty,—why, i tell you,mr. dewlap, it's heart-breakin'. and all because some weak-minded smart aleck gets them paroled.as i was sayin', the law's all right if it wasn't for the people that abuse it.""this is most interesting," said mr. yollop. "i've never quite understood why ninety percent of the paroled convicts go back to the
penitentiary so soon after they've been liberated.""of course," explained mr. smilk, "there are a few that don't get back. that's because,in their anxiety to make good, they get killed by some inexperienced policeman who catches'em comin' out of somebody's window or—" "by the way, cassius, let me interrupt you.will you have a cigar? nice, pleasant way to pass an hour or two—beg pardon?""i was only sayin', if you don't mind i'll take one of these cigarettes. cigars are alittle too heavy for me." "i have some very light grade domestic—""i don't mean in quality. i mean in weight. what's the sense of wastin' a lot of strengthholding a cigar in your mouth when it requires no effort at all to smoke a cigarette? why,i got it all figured out scientifically. with
the same amount of energy you expend in smokin'one cigar you could smoke between thirty and forty cigarettes, and being sort of gradual,you wouldn't begin to feel half as fatigued as if you—""did i understand you to say 'scientifically', or was it satirically?""i'm tryin' to use common, every-day words, mr. shallop," said mr. smilk, with dignity,"and i wish you'd do the same." "ahem! well, light up, cassius. i think i'llsmoke a cigar. when you get through with the matches, push 'em over this way, will you?help yourself to those chocolate creams. there's a pound box of them at your elbow, cassius.i eat a great many. they're supposed to be fattening. help yourself." after lightinghis cigar mr. yollop inquired: "by the way,
since you speak so feelingly i gather thatyou are a paroled convict." "that's what i am. and the worst of it is,it ain't my first offense. i mean it ain't the first time i've been paroled. to beginwith, when i was somewhat younger than i am now, i was twice turned loose by judges onwhat they call 'suspended sentences.' then i was sent up for two years for stealin' somethingor other,—i forgot just what it was. i served my time and a little later on went up againfor three years for holdin' up a man over in brooklyn. well, i got paroled out insideof two years, and for nearly six months i had to report to the police ever' so often.every time i reported i had my pockets full of loot i'd snitched durin' the month, stuffthe bulls were lookin' for in every pawn-shop
in town, but to save my soul i couldn't somehowmanage to get myself caught with the goods on me. say, i'd give two years off of my nextsentence if i could cross my legs for five or ten minutes. this is gettin' worse andworse all the—" "you might try putting your left foot in theright hand drawer and your right foot in the other one," suggested mr. yollop.mr. smilk stared. "i've seen a lot of kidders in my time, but you certainly got 'em allskinned to death," said he. mr. yollop puffed reflectively for awhile,pondering the situation. "well, suppose you remove one foot at a time, cassius. as soonit is fairly well rested, put it back again and then take the other one out for a spell,—andso on. half a loaf is better than no loaf
at all."smilk withdrew his left foot from its drawer and sighed gratefully."as i was sayin'," he resumed, "if we could only put some kind of a curb on these heretender-hearted boobs—and boobesses—the world would be a much better place to livein. the way it is now, nine tenths of the fellers up in sing sing never know when they'llhave to pack up and leave, and it's a constant strain on the nerves, i tell you. there seemsto be a well-organized movement to interfere with the personal liberty of criminals, mr.poppup. these here sentimental reformers take it upon themselves to say whether a fellershall stay in prison or not. first, they come up there and pick out some poor helpless fellerand say 'it's a crime to keep a good-lookin',
intelligent boy like you in prison, so we'regoing to get you out on parole and make an honest, upright citizen of you. we're goingto get you a nice job',—and so on and so forth. well, before he knows it, he's outand has to put up a bluff of workin' for a livin'. course, he just has to go to stealin'again. it makes him sore when he thinks of the good, honest life he was leadin' up therein the pen, with nothin' to worry about, satisfactory hours, plenty to eat, and practically divorcedfrom his wife without havin' to go through the mill. if my calculations are correct,more than fifty per cent of the crime that's bein' committed these days is the work ofparoled convicts who depended on the law to protect and support them for a given periodof time. and does the law protect them? it
does not. it allows a lot of pinheads to interferewith it, and what's the answer? a lot of poor devils are forced to go out and risk theirlives tryin' to—" "just a moment, please," interrupted mr. yollop."you are talking a trifle too fast, cassius. moderate your speed a little. before we goany further, i would like to be set straight on one point. do you mean to tell me thatyou actually prefer being in prison?" "well, now, that's a difficult question toanswer," mused mr. smilk. "sometimes i do and sometimes i don't. it's sort of like beingmarried, i suppose. sometimes you're glad you're married and sometimes you wish to godyou wasn't. course, i've only been married three or four times, and i've been in thepen six times, one place or another, so i
guess i'm not what you'd call an unbiasedwitness. i seem to have a leanin' toward jail,—about three to one in favor of jail, you might say,with the odds likely to be increased pretty shortly if all goes well. do you mind if ichange drawers?" "eh! oh, i see. go ahead."mr. smilk put his right foot back into its drawer and withdrew the left."gets you right across this tendon on the back of your ankle," he said. "now, you takethe daily life of the average laboring man," he went on earnestly. "what does he get outof it? nothin' but expenses. the only thing that don't cost him something is work. andall the time he's at work his expenses are goin' on just the same, pilin' up durin' hisabsence from home. rent, food, fuel, light,
doctor, liquor, clothes, shoes,—everythingpilin' up on him while he's workin' for absolutely nothin' between pay days. the only time hegets anything for his work is on pay day. the rest of the time he's workin' for nothin',week in and week out. say he works forty-four hours a week. when does he get his pay? whilehe's workin'? not much. he has to work over time anywhere from fifteen minutes to halfan hour—on his own time, mind you—standin' in line to get his pay envelope. and thenwhen he gets it, what does he have to do? he has to go home and wonder how the hellhe's goin' to get through the next week with nothin' but carfare to go on after his wifehas told him to come across. now you take a convict. he hasn't an expense in the world.free grub, free bed, free doctor, free clothes,—he
could have free liquor if the keepers wouldlet his friends bring it in,—and his hours ain't any longer than any union man's hours.he don't have to pay dues to any labor union, he don't have to worry about strikes or strikebenefits, he don't give a whoop what gompers or anybody else says about gary, and he don'tcare a darn whether the working man gets his beer or whether the revenue officers get it.he—" "wait a second, please. just as a matter ofcuriosity, cassius, i'd like to know what your views are on prohibition.""are you thinkin' of askin' me if i'll have something to drink?" inquired mr. smilk craftily."what has that to do with it?" "a lot," said mr. smilk, with decision."do you approve of prohibition?"
"i do," said the rogue. "in moderation.""well, as soon as the police arrive i'll open a bottle of scotch. in the meantime go aheadwith your very illuminating dissertation. i am beginning to understand why crime isso attractive, so alluring. i am almost able to see why you fellows like to go to the penitentiary.""if you could only get shut up for a couple of years, mr. wollop, you'd appreciate justwhat has been done in the last few years to make us fellers like it. you wouldn't believehow much the reformers have done to induce us to come back as soon as possible. theygive us all kinds of entertainment, free of charge. three times a week we have some sortof a show, generally a band concert, a movin' picture show and a vaudeville show. then,once a month they bring up some crackin' good
show right out of a broadway theater to makeus forget that it's sunday and we'll have to go to work the next morning. scenery andcostumes and everything and—and—" here mr. smilk showed signs of blubbering, a weaknessthat suddenly gave way to the most energetic indignation. "why, doggone it, every timei think of what that woman done to me, i could bite a nail in two. if it hadn't been for—""woman? what woman?" "the woman that got me paroled out. she goti don't know how many people to sign a petition, sayin' i was a fine feller and all that kindo' bunk, and all i needed was a chance to show the world how honest i am and—why,of course, i was honest. how could i help bein' honest up there? what's eatin' the darnfools? the only thing you can steal up there
is a nap, and you got to be mighty slick ifyou want to do that, they watch you so close. but do you know what's going on in this countryright now, mr. popple? there's a regular organized band of law-breakers operating from one endof the nation to the other. we're tryin' to bust it up, but it's a tough job. the bestway to reform a reformer is to rob him. the minute he finds out he's been robbed he turnsover a new leaf and begins to beller like a bull about how rotten the police are. ninetynine times out of a hundred he quits his cussed interferin' with the law and becomes a decent,law-observin' citizen. our scheme is to get busy as soon as we've been turned loose andwhile our so-called benefactors are still rejoicin' over havin' snatched a brand fromthe burnin', we up and show 'em the error
of their ways. first offenders get off fairlyeasy. we simply sneak in and take their silver and some loose jewelry. the more hardenedthey are, the worse we treat 'em. ring leaders some times get beat up so badly it's impossibleto identify 'em at the morgue. but in time we'll smash the gang, and then if a fellergoes up for ten, twenty or even thirty years he'll know there's no underhanded work goin'on and he can settle down to an honest life. the only way to stop crime in this country,mr. yollop, is to—" "thank you.""—is to make everybody respect the law. and with conditions so pleasant and so happyin the prison i want to tell you there's nobody in the country that respects and admires thelaw more than we do,—'specially us fellers
that remember what the penitentiaries usedto be like a few years ago when conditions were so tough that most of us managed to earnan honest livin' outside sooner than run the risk of gettin' sent up." he sighed deeply.then with a trace of real solicitude in his manner: "are your feet warm yet?""warm as toast. your discourse, cassius, has moved me deeply. perhaps it would comfortyou to call up police headquarters again and tell 'em to hurry along?""wouldn't be a bad idea," said mr. smilk. he took down the receiver. presently: "policeheadquarters? ... how about sending over to 418 sagamore for that burglar i was speakin'to you about recently? ... sure, he's here yet. ... the same name i gave you earlierin the evening. ... spell it yourself. you
got it written down on a pad right there infront of you, haven't you? ... say, if you don't get somebody around here pretty quick,i'm goin' to call up two or three of the newspaper offices and have 'em send—... all right.see that you do." turning to mr. yollop, he said: "the police are a pretty decent lotwhen you get to know 'em, mr. yollop. they do their share towards enforcin' the law.they do their best to get us the limit. the trouble is, they got to fight tooth and nailagainst almost everybody that ain't on the police force. specially jurymen. there ain'ta juryman in new york city that wants to believe a policeman on oath. he'd sooner believe acrook, any day. and sometimes the judges are worse than the juries. a pal of mine, bein'in considerable of a hurry to get back home
one very cold winter, figured that if he wentup and plead guilty before a judge he'd save a lot of time. well, sir, the doggone judgelooked him over for a minute or two, and suddenly, out of a clear sky, asked him if he had afamily,—and when he acknowledged, being an honest though ignorant guy, that he hada wife and three children, the judge said, if he'd promise to go out and earn a livin'for them he'd let him off with a suspended sentence, and before he had a chance to sayhe'd be damned if he'd make any such fool promise, the bailiff hustled him out the runwayand told him to 'beat it'. he had to go out and slug a poor old widow woman and rob herof all the money she'd saved since her husband died—say, that reminds me. i got a favori'd like to ask of you, mr. yollop."
"i'm inclined to grant almost any favor youmay ask," said mr. yollop, sympathetically. "i know how miserable you must feel, cassius,and how hard life is for you. do you want me to shoot you?""no, i don't," exclaimed mr. smilk hastily. "i want you to take my roll of bills and hideit before the police come. that ain't much to ask, is it?""bless my soul! how extraordinary!" "there's something over six hundred dollarsin the roll," went on cassius confidentially. "it ain't that i'm afraid the cops will grabit for themselves, understand. but, you see, it's like this. the first thing the judgeasks you when you are arraigned is whether you got the means to employ a lawyer. if youain't, he appoints some one and it don't cost
you a cent. now, if i go down to the tombswith all this money, why, by gosh, it will cost me just that much to get sent to singsing, 'cause whatever you've got in the shape of real money is exactly what your lawyer'sfee will be, and it don't seem sensible to spend all that money to get sent up when youcan obtain the same result for nothin'. ain't that so?""it sounds reasonable, cassius. you appear to be a thrifty as well as an honest fellow.but, may i be permitted to ask what the devil you are doing with six hundred dollars onyour person while actively engaged in the pursuit of your usual avocation? why didn'tyou leave it at home?" "home? my god, man, don't you know it ain'tsafe these days to have a lot of money around
the house? with all these burglaries goingon? not on your life. even if i had had all this dough when i left home to-night, i wouldn'thave taken any such chance as leavin' it there. the feller i'm roomin' with is figurin' onturning over a new leaf; he's thinkin' of gettin' married for five or six months andi don't think he could stand temptation." "do you mean to say, you acquired your rollafter leaving home tonight, eh?" "to be perfectly honest with you, mr. moppup,i—" "yollop, please.""—yollop, i found this money in front of a theater up town,—just after the policenabbed a friend of mine who had frisked some guy of his roll and had to drop it in a hurry.""and you want me to keep it for you till you
are free again,—is that it?""just as soon as the trial is over and i get my sentence, i'll send a pal of mine aroundto you with a note and you can turn it over to him. all i'm after, is to keep some lawyerfrom gettin'—" "what would you say, cassius, if i were totell you that i am a lawyer?" "i'd say you're a darned fool to confess whenyou don't have to," replied mr. smilk succinctly. mr. yollop chuckled. "well, i'm not a lawyer.nevertheless, i must decline to act as a depository for your obviously ill-gotten gains.""gee, that's tough," lamented mr. smilk. "wouldn't you just let me drop it behind something orother,—that book case over there say,—and i'll promise to send for it some night whenyou're out,—"
"no use, cassius," broke in mr. yollop, firmly."i'm deaf to your entreaties. permit me to paraphrase a very well-known line. 'none sodeaf as him who will not hear.'" "if i speak very slowly and distinctly don'tyou think you could hear me if i was to offer to split the wad even with you,—fifty-fifty,—noquestions asked?" inquired cassius, rather wistfully."see here," exclaimed mr. yollop, irritably; "you got me in this position and i want youto get me out of it. while i've been squatting here listening to you, they've both gone tosleep and i'm hanged if i can move 'em. i never would have dreamed of sitting on themif you hadn't put the idea into my head, confound you.""let 'em hang down for a while," suggested
mr. smilk. "that'll wake 'em up.""easier said than done," snapped the other. he managed, however, to get his benumbed feetto the floor and presently stood up on them. mr. smilk watched him with interest as hehobbled back and forth in front of the desk. "they'll be all right in a minute or two.by jove, i wish my sister could have heard all you've been saying about prisons and parolesand police. i ought to have had sense enough to call her. she's asleep at the other endof the hall." "i hate women," growled mr. smilk. "ever sincethat pie-faced dame got me chucked out of sing sing,—say, let me tell you somethingelse she done to me. she gave me an address somewhere up on the east side and told meto come and see her as soon as i got out.
well, i hadn't been out a week when i wentup to see her one night,—or, more strictly speakin', one morning about two o'clock. whatdo you think? it was an empty house, with a 'for rent' sign on it. i found out the nextday she'd moved a couple of weeks before and had gone to some hotel for the winter becauseit was impossible to keep any servants while this crime wave is goin' on. the janitor toldme she'd had three full sets of servants stole right out from under her nose by female banditsover on park avenue. i don't suppose i'll ever have another chance to get even withher. everything all set to bind and gag her, and maybe rap her over the bean a couple oftimes and—say, can you beat it for rotten luck? she—she double-crossed me, that'swhat she—"
a light, hesitating rap on the library doorinterrupted mr. smilk's bitter reflection. end of chapter two chapter three "some one at the door," the burglar announced,after a moment. mr. yollop had failed to hear the tapping."you can't fool me, cassius. it's an old trick but it won't work. i've seen it done on thestage too many times to be caught napping by,—""there it goes again. louder, please!" he called with considerable vehemence and wasrewarded by a scarcely audible tapping indicative not only of timidity but of alarm as well—"say,"he bawled, "you'll have to cut out that spirit
rapping if you want to come in. use your night-stick!""ah, the police at last," cried mr. yollop. "you'd better take this revolver now, mr.smilk," he added hastily. "i won't want 'em to catch me with a weapon in my possession.it means a heavy fine or imprisonment." he shoved the pistol across the desk. "they wouldn'tbelieve me if i said it was yours." a sharp, penetrating rat-a-tat on the door.mr. smilk picked up the revolver. "you bet they wouldn't," said he. "if i sworeon a stack of bibles i let a boob like you take it away from me, they'd send me to matteawan,and god knows,—" "come in!" called out mr. yollop.the door opened and a plump, dumpy lady in a pink peignoir, her front hair done up incurl-papers stood revealed on the threshold
blinking in the strong light."goodness gracious, crittenden," she cried irritably, "don't you know what time of nightit—" she broke off abruptly as mr. smilk, witha great clatter, yanked his remaining foot from the drawer and arose, overturning theswivel-chair in his haste. "well, for the love of—" oozed from hisgaping mouth. suddenly he turned his face away and hunched one shoulder up as a sortof shield. "it's long past three o'clock," went on thenewcomer severely. "i'm sorry to interrupt a conference but i do think you might arrangefor an appointment during the day, sir. my brother has not been well and if ever a manneeded sleep and rest and regular hours, he
does. crittenden, i wish you—""cassius," interrupted mr. yollop urbanely, "this is my sister, mrs. champney. i wantyou to repeat—turn around here, can't you? what's the matter with you?""don't order me around like that," muttered mr. smilk, still with his face averted. "i'vegot the gun now and i'll do as i damn' please. you can't talk to me like—""goodness! who is this man?" cried the lady, stopping short to regard the blasphemer withshocked, disapproving eyes. "and what is he doing with a revolver in his hand?""give me that pistol,—at once," commanded mr. yollop. "hand it over!""not on your life," cried mr. smilk triumphantly. he faced mrs. champney. "take off them rings,you. put 'em here on the desk. lively, now!
and don't yelp! do you get me? don't yelp!"mrs. champney stared unblinkingly, speechless. "put up your hands, yollop!" ordered mr. smilk."why,—why, it's ernest,—ernest wilson," she gasped, incredulously. then, with a littlesqueak of relief: "don't pay any attention to him, crittenden. he is a friend of mine.don't you remember me, ernest? i am—" "you bet your life i remember you," said theburglar softly, almost purringly. "ernest your grandmother," cried mr. yollopjerking the disk first one way and then the other in order to catch the flitting duologue."his name is smilk,—cassius smilk." "nothing of the sort," said mrs. champneysharply. "it's ernest wilson,—isn't it, ernest?""take off them rings," was the answer she
got."what is this man doing here, crittenden?" demanded mrs. champney, paying no heed tosmilk's command. "he's a burglar," replied mr. yollop. "i guessyou'd better take off your rings, alice." "do you mean to tell me, ernest wilson, thatyou've gone back to your evil ways after all i,—""i say, cassius," cried mr. yollop, "is this the woman you wanted to bind and gag and—and—""yes, and rap over the bean," finished mr. smilk, as the speaker considerately refrained."rap over the—what?" inquired mrs. champney, squinting."the bean," said mr. smilk, with emphasis. "i can't imagine what has come over you, ernest.you were such a nice, quiet, model prisoner,—one
of the most promising i ever had anythingto do with. the authorities assured me that you—do you mean to tell me that you enteredthis apartment for the purpose of robbing it? don't answer! i don't want to hear yourvoice again. you have given me the greatest disappointment of my life. i trusted you,ernest,—i had faith in you,—and—and now i find you here in my own brother's apartment,of all places in the world, still pursuing your-""well, you went and moved away on me," broke in smilk wrathfully."that's right, alice," added mr. yollop. "you went and moved on him. he told me that justbefore you came in." "you may as well understand right now, ernestwilson, that i shall never intercede for you
again," said mrs. champney sternly. "i shalllet you rot in prison. i am through with you. you don't deserve—""are you goin' to take off them rings, or have i got to—""would you rob your benefactress?" demanded the lady."every time i think of all that you robbed me of, i—i—" began mr. smilk, shakily."don't blubber, cassius," said mr. yollop consolingly. "you see, my dear alice, mr.smilk thinks,—and maintains,—that you did him a dirty trick when you had him turnedout into a wicked, dishonest world. he was living on the fat of the land up there insing sing, seeing motion pictures and plays and so forth, without a worry in the world,with union hours and union pay, no one depending—"
"what nonsense are you talking? how couldhe have union pay in a penitentiary, crittenden?" "don't interrupt me, please. however, i willexplain that he was just as well-off at the end of the week as any union laborer is, andno street car fare to pay besides. free food, fuel, lodging, divorce, music—""i forgot to mention baseball," interrupted mr. smilk. "and once in awhile an electrocutionto break the monotony, to say nothin' of a jail-break every now and then. say, you'llhave to get a move on, mrs. champney,—god, will i ever forget that name!—'cause we'reexpectin' the police here before long. i've changed my mind about havin' you hold yourhands up, mr. yollop. you made me telephone for the police to come around and arrest me.now i'm goin' to make you bind and gag this
lady. i can't very well do it myself and keepyou covered at the same time, and while i ought to give you a wollop on the jaw, sameas you done to me, i ain't goin' to do it. you can scream if you want to, ma'am,—yell'bloody murder', and 'police', and everything. it's all the same to me. go ahead and—""it is not my intention to do anything of the kind," announced the lady haughtily. "buti want to tell you one thing, crittenden yollop. if you attempt to gag and bind me, i'll biteand scratch, even if you are my own brother." mr. yollop pondered. "i think, cassius, ifyou don't mind, i'd rather you'd hit me a good sound wollop on the jaw.""i'll tell you what i'll do," modified mr. smilk. "i'll lock you in that closet overthere, mr. yollop, so's you won't have to
watch me rap her over the bean. after i'vegone through the apartment, i'll—" "would you strike a woman, ernest wilson?"cried mrs. champney. "see here, smilk," said mr. yollop, "i cannotallow you to strike my sister. if you so much as lay a finger on her, i'll thrash you withinan inch of your life." "oh, you will, will you?" sneered mr. smilk."if you want to go ahead and rob this apartment in a decent, orderly way, all well and good.my sister and i will personally conduct you through,—""we will do nothing of the kind," blazed mrs. champney."i'd like to see you try to thrash me within an inch—""and, what's more," went on the lady, "i will
see that you go up for twenty years, ernestwilson, you degraded, ungrateful wretch." smilk's face brightened. he even allowed himselfa foxy grin. "now you're beginnin' to talk sense," saidhe. "sit down, ernest, and let me talk quietlyto you," said mrs. champney. "i'm sure you don't quite realize what you are doing. youneed moral support. you are not naturally a bad man. you—""are you goin' to take them rings off peaceably?" muttered smilk, a hunted look leaping intohis eyes. "i am not," said she."speak a little louder, both of you," complained mr. yollop. "this contraption of mine doesn'tseem to catch what you are saying."
"jiggle it," said smilk brightly."how long ago did you telephone for the police, crittenden?""how long ago was it, cassius?" "only about an hour. we got plenty of timeto finish up before they get here." "do you think it will go harder with you,cassius, if they find mrs. champney bound and gagged and everything scattered aboutthe floor, and the jewelry in your possession?" "it might help," said cassius. "the troubleis, you never can tell what a damn' fool jury will do, 'specially to a guy with a recordlike mine." "you had a splendid record up at sing sing,"announced the lady. "that's why i had so little trouble—""you don't get me," said cassius lugubriously.
"my record is a bad one. i've been paroledtwice. that's bound to influence most any jury against me. wouldn't surprise me a bitif they recommended clemency, as the sayin' is, and after all that's been done to keepme out of the pen, the judge is likely to up and give me the minimum sentence. no,"he went on, "i guess i'll have to rap somebody over the bean. i'd sooner it as you, ma'am,on account of the way you forced me into a life of crime when i was leadin' an honest,happy, carefree—" "why, the man's insane, crittenden,—positivelyinsane. he doesn't know what he's—" "for god's sake, don't start anything likethat," barked cassius. "that would be the limit!""you don't understand, alice," said mr. yollop
kindly. "the poor fellow merely wants to havethe law enforced. he says it's a crime the way the law is being violated these days.or words to that effect, eh, cassius?" "yes, sir. there are more honest, law-abidin'men up in sing sing right at this minute than there are in the whole city of new york. orwords to that effect, as you say, mr. yollop. the surest and quickest way to make an honestman of a crook is to send him to the pen. i don't know as i've ever heard of a robbery,or a holdup, or anything like that up there." "the way he rambles, crittenden, is proof—""it would be just like her to go on the stand and swear i'm batty," snarled cassius. "igot to do something about it, mr. yollop. she's goin' to interfere with the law again,sure as god made little apples. i can see
it comin'. i'm goin' to count three, ma'am.if you don't let mr. yollop start to tyin' you up with that muffler of his hangin' overthere in the closet by the time i've said three, i'm goin' to shoot him. i hate to doit, 'cause he's a fine feller and don't deserve to be shot on account of any darn' fool woman.""i suppose you know the law provides a very unpleasant penalty for murder," said mrs.champney, but her voice quavered disloyally. "one!" began cassius ominously."do you really mean it?" she cried, and glanced frantically over her shoulder at the opencloset door. "two," replied cassius."count slowly," implored mr. yollop. "you—you may tie my hands, critt—crittenden,—"chattered the lady.
"you mustn't bite or scratch him," warnedcassius. sixty seconds later, mrs. champney stood beforethe burglar, her wrists securely bound behind her back."will you gag her, or must i?" demanded cassius. "i will give you my word of honor not to scream,"faltered the crumpling lady. "it ain't the screamin' i object to," saidsmilk. "it's the talkin'. you've done too much talkin' already, ma'am. if you hadn'ttalked so much i wouldn't be here tonight." "have you a hanky, cassius?" inquired mr.yollop. "i refuse to have that disgusting wretch'sfilthy handkerchief stuffed into my mouth," cried mrs. champney, with spirit. mr. yollopchuckled. "good gracious, crittenden, what
is there to laugh at?""i was thinking of your roll of bills, cassius," said mr. yollop."not on your life," said cassius, who evidently had had the same thought. "she'd swaller it.""i suppose we'd better repair to your room, alice, where we can obtain the necessary articles.mr. smilk will naturally want to ransack your room anyhow, so we 'll be saving quite a bitof time. and the police are likely to be here any minute now.""you forgot to take your rings off, ma'am," reminded mr. smilk. "that's got to be attendedto, first of all. take 'em off, mr. yollop, and put 'em here on the desk." a moment laterhe dropped the three costly rings into his coat pocket. "now," said he, "lead the way.i'll be right behind you with the gun. no
monkey business, now,—remember that."it was not long before mrs. champney, properly gagged, found herself lashed to a rocking-chairin the charming little bed chamber, occupying, so to speak, a select position from whichto observe the hasty but skillful operations of her recalcitrant beneficiary. she watchedhim empty her innovation trunk, the drawers in her bureau, and the closet in which herchoicest gowns were hanging. he did it very thoroughly. the floor was strewn with lingerie,hats, shoes, slippers, gloves, stockings, furs, frocks,—over which he trod with professionaldisdain; he broke open her smart little jewel case and took therefrom a glittering assortmentof rings, bracelets, and earrings; a horseshoe pin, a gorgeous crescent, and a string ofpearls; a platinum and diamond wrist watch,
an acorn watch, a diamond collar, severalbars of diamonds, rubies and emeralds, and odds and ends of feminine vanity all withoutso much as pausing to classify them beyond the mere word "junk". all of this dazzlingfortune he stuffed carelessly into his pocket. during the proceedings, mr. yollop stood obedientlyover against the wall, his hands aloft, his back towards the rummaging cassius."what's in that room over there?" demanded the burglar, pointing to a closed door. forobvious reasons there was no response. he scowled for a second or two and then, stridingover to mr. yollop, seized him by the shoulder and turned him about-face. then he repeatedthe question. "that's the room where my niece sleeps. alittle ten year old child, cassius. you will
oblige me by not disturbing—""is her hair bobbed?" broke in mr. smilk. "certainly not. she wears it long. beautifulgolden tresses, smilk. particularly beautiful when she's asleep, spreading out all overthe pillow like a silken—" an audible, muffled, groan came from the occupant of the rocking-chairheard only by mr. smilk. his gaze went first to the purpling face of mrs. champney, thento the door, then back to the lady again. "for your sake, mr. yollop, i won't clip it,"he announced. "i know i'd ought to, but—well, i guess it's about time we went back to thelibrary again. the cops will be along in a couple of minutes now, according to my calculations.i can tell almost to a minute how long it takes them to get around to where a burglaryhas been committed. if you'll tell me where
you think your slippers are we'll stop andget 'em on the way." leaving mrs. champney seated alone and helplessin the midst of the confusion, smilk marched mr. yollop to his bedroom and then up thehall to the scene of the first encounter. "it seems sort of a pity not to get away withall this stuff," said the burglar, rattling the objects in his pocket. "it ain't professional.i'm beginnin' to change my mind about bein' arrested, mr. yollop: i know a girl that wouldbe tickled to death to have these things to splash around in. she's a peach of a—say,i believe i'll use your telephone again. i'll call her up and see how she feels about it.if she says she'd like to have 'em, i'll make my getaway before the cops—""you will find the telephone directory hanging
on the end of the desk, cassius," said mr.yollop graciously. he was seated in the big arm chair again, wriggling his toes delightedlyin the cozy, fleece lined bed-room slippers. "but are you not afraid she will be annoyedif you get her out of bed this time o' night? it's after three.""i know the number. yes, she'll be sore at first, but—hello central?" he lowered hisvoice almost to a whisper, so that mr. yollop could not hear. "give me plaza 00100. right."turning to mr. yollop, he announced as he sank back into the chair comfortably:"it's an apartment. we'll probably have quite a long wait. i've found it takes some littletime to wake the head of the house and get him to the 'phone. and say, he's the darndestgrouch i've ever tackled. get's sore as a
crab. but we've got him where we want him.he knows darned well if he kicks up a row, she'll quit and his wife couldn't get anybodyin her place for love or money these days. i was sayin' only the other night—" againlowering his voice: "is this plaza 00100? ... i want to speak to yilga, please." ... raisinghis voice considerably: "here, now, cut that out! ... well, it is important. ... course,i know what time o' night it is. ... yes, it's a damned outrage an' all that, but—what?... all right, i'll hold the wire. tell her to hustle, will you?""i wish i had shot you, smilk, when i had the chance," said mr. yollop sadly. "thisis abominable, atrocious. getting a man out of bed at half-past three! it's unspeakable,smilk!"
"she's a light sleeper," mused mr. smilk aloud,dreamily. "what say?""don't bother me. i'm thinkin'!" mr. yollop waited a moment. "what are youthinking about, cassius?" cassius started. "... eh? i was thinkin' aboutthe last time i had breakfast at mr. johnson's apartment. it was that terrible cold morningthe first of last week. by gosh, how that girl can cook! six fried eggs and—yes? hello!"plaza 00100: "yilga's not in yet." smilk, sharply: "what's that?""she's out." smilk, sharply: "out? come off! you can'tput that sort of stuff over me—" "i tell you she's not in. that's all. andsay, don't call up this apartment again at—"
"say, it's nearly four o'clock. she must bein." "she's not in, i tell you. she went out lastevening with her young man. one of the other maids stuck her head out of her door and toldme." smilk, with fallen jaw: "what—what timedo you expect her in?" "i don't know, and i don't give a damn solong as she's here in time to get break—" smilk, furiously: "hey, you go back thereand bust into her room. hear what i say? better take a club or a gun or something—""go to thunder!" smilk, flinching as he jerked the receiveraway from his ear: "lord! i bet he put that telephone out of whack!"he sagged a little as he slowly hung up the
receiver. for a moment he stared desolatelyat mr. yollop and then recovering himself gradually rushed with ever increasing velocityinto the most violent hurricane of profanity that ever was centered upon the frailty ofwoman. running out of expletives he at last subsided into an ominous calm."for two cents," groaned he, "i'd blow my head off." he gazed hungrily at the revolver."i never dreamed there were so many cuss-words in the world," gasped mr. yollop, blinking."there ain't half enough," announced mr. smilk, in a far away voice."put that pistol down!" roared mr. yollop. "what are you going to do? shoot yourself?""it would save an awful lot of trouble," said mr. smilk."the deuce it would! my servants would be
a week cleaning up after you, and you'd probablyruin this meshed rug. besides, confound you, the police would think that i shot you. giveme that pistol! give it to me, i say. you can come in here and rob to your heart's content,but i'm damned if i'll allow you to commit suicide here. that's a little too thick, smilk.why the dickens should you worry about that infernal jade? aren't you going to the penitentiaryfor fifteen or twenty years? aren't you-" "you're right,—you're right," broke in cassius,drawing a deep breath. "i guess i had a kind of a brainstorm. it was the jewels that doneit. funny how a feller gets the feelin' that he just has to give diamonds and pearls tohis girl. it came over me all of a sudden. the only things i ever gave that girl wasa moleskin coat, a sable collar and muff,
and a gold mesh bag with seventy-eight dollarsand a lace handkerchief in it. for a minute or two i was tempted to give her diamondsand rubies—oh, well, i guess i've had my lesson. never again! never again, mr. yollop.i'm off women from now on. here's the gun. if the police try to hang it on you, i'llswear it's mine. listen! there's the elevator stoppin' at this floor. it's them. beforewe let 'em in, i'd like to tell you i've never had a more interestin' evenin' in my wholelife. what's more i never saw a man like you. you got me guessin'. you're either the goshdarndestfool livin' or else you're the slickest confidence man outside of captivity. which are you? that'swhat's eatin' me." "i'm both," said mr. yollop, picking up therevolver.
"that ain't possible," said mr. smilk."oh, yes, it is. i'm a milliner, cassius." "i know you're a millionaire, but that don't,—""i said milliner." "run a mill of some kind?""no, i make hats for women." as the incredulous burglar opened his mouthto say something the buzzer on the door sounded. "they got here just in time," he substituted. end of chapter three chapter four the case of the state vs. cassius smilk, chargedwith burglary, was finally set for trial the second week in february, just one year, onemonth and eleven days after his arrest in
the apartment of crittenden yollop. therehad been, it appears, a slight delay in getting 'round to his case. the dockets in all partsof general sessions were more or less clogged by the efforts of ex-convicts to get backinto the penitentiary. also, there were a great many murder cases that kept bobbingup every now and then for continuance on one plea or another to the disgust of the harassedjudges; to say nothing of the re-trials made necessary by the jurors who listened moreattentively to the lawyers who "summed up" than they did to the witnesses who were underoath to tell nothing but the truth. cassius, on arraignment, had pleaded not guilty,according to the ancient ritual of his profession. notwithstanding his evident and expresseddesire to return to a haven of peace and luxury,
he was far too conscientious a criminal toviolate the soundest—it may well be said, the elemental—law of his craft, by pleadingguilty to anything. it was a matter of principle with him. circumstanceshad nothing to do with it. the instant he found himself in court, he reverted to type,somewhat gleefully setting about to make as much trouble as possible. he adhered to theprinciple that no criminal is adequately punished unless the people are made to pay for theprivilege of suppressing him. the only way to make the people respect the law, he contended,is to let 'em understand that it costs money to enforce it. besides, crime has a certain,clearly established dignity that must be reckoned with. the world thinks a great deal less ofyou if after you have violated the law, you
also refuse to fight it.take the judge, for instance. (i quote smilk.) what sort of an opinion does he have of youif you slide up to the little "gate," with your tail between your legs and plead guilty?why, he hardly notices you. he has to put on his spectacles in order to see you at alland he doesn't even have to look in the statute book to refresh his memory as to the minimumpenalty for larceny or whatever it is. and the way the assistant district attorney looksat you! and the bailiffs too. but put up a fight and see what happens. the whole blamedworks sits up and takes notice. the judge looks over his spectacles and says to himself,"by gosh, he's a tough lookin' bird, that guy is;" the district attorney goes aroundtellin' everybody in a whisper that you're
a desperate character; the clerk of the court,the stenographer and all the bailiffs sort of wake up and act busy; the men waiting tobe examined for jobs on the jury begin to fidget and wonder whether the judge is a "crab"or a nice, decent feller what'll let 'em off when they tell him they got sickness in thefamily, and all of 'em ha tin' you worse than poison because you didn't plead guilty.he was remanded for trial within two weeks after his arrest. the court, finding him penniless,announced he would appoint counsel to defend him. whereupon smilk sauntered back to thetombs with a light heart, confident that his sojourn there would be brief and that marchat the very latest would see him snugly settled in his rent-free, food-free, landlordlesshome on the hudson, entertainment for man
and beast provided without discrimination,crime no object. first of all, his lawyer unexpectedly gota job to represent a shady lady in a sensational breach of promise suit that drew weekly postponementsover a period of five months and finally died a natural death out of court sometime in june.this resulted in his lawyer becoming so affluent that it wasn't necessary for him to botherwith cassius, so he withdrew from the case. after some delay, another lawyer was appointedto defend him and things began to look up. but by this time the dockets had become sojammed with unrelated dilemmas, and the summer heat was so intense, that the new lawyer informedhim he couldn't possibly sandwich him in unless he would consent to change his plea to "guilty",contending that the combination of humility
and humidity would go a long ways towardssoftening the judge. but cassius sturdily refused to cheapen himself.in the meantime, new crimes had been committed by countless gentlemen of leisure; the tombswas full of men clamoring for attention, and there was an undetected waiting list outsidethat stretched all the way from the battery to the lower extremities of yonkers.the principal witness, mr. crittenden yollop, did his best to behave nobly. he thrice postponeda business trip to paris in order to be within reach when cassius needed him. then, in thefall, when things looked most propitious for a speedy termination of smilk's suspense,the millinery business took a sudden and alarming turn for the worse and mr. yollop fell intothe hands of the specialists. he had his teeth
ex-rayed, his sinuses probed, his eyes examined,his stomach sounded, his intestines visited, his nerves tampered with, his blood tested,his kidneys explored, his heart observed, his ears inspected, his gall stones (if hehad any) shifted, his last will and testament drawn up, his funeral practically arrangedfor,—all by different scientists,—and then was ordered to go off somewhere in thecountry and play golf for his health. he went to hot springs, virginia, and inside of twoweeks contracted the golf disease in its most virulent form. he got it so bad that otherplayers looked upon him as a scourge and avoided him even to the point of self-sacrifice. itwas said of him that when he once got on a green it was next to impossible to get himoff of it.
but all this is neither here nor there. sufficeto say that shortly after his return to new york, mr. yollop paid a more or less clandestinevisit to the tombs, where he saw cassius. this was the week before the trial was toopen. he found the crook in a disconsolate frame of mind."don't call me yollop," he managed to convey to the prisoner. "i gave another name to thejailer or whatever he is. is it jail bird? it wouldn't look right for the prosecutingwitness to come down here to see you. they think i'm your brother-in-law."smilk glowered. "has your hearin' improved any?" he inquired, after locating the disc."no, of course not." "then," said the prisoner, "i can't tell youwhat i think of you without the whole damn'
jail hearin' me, so i guess you'd better beatit." "splendid! that's just the way i might haveexpected you to talk to your brother-in-law." "well, what do you want anyhow?""i don't think that's a very nice way to speak to a—""come on, what do you want to see me about? get it over with and get out. it can't helpmy case any if it gets noised around that you come down here to pay a friendly visitto me. i'm havin' a hard enough time as it is. it's gettin' so it's almost impossibleto get back into the pen even—" "see here, cassius, i've been giving yourcase a great deal—of serious thought. i want to help you out of this scrape if thereis any way to do it."
"that's just what i thought you'd be up to,"groaned cassius. "what's got into you? have you soured on life, or what is it?""not a bit of it. you do not get my meaning. your wife came to see me yesterday afternoon.""my wife? which one?" "a tallish one with a flat nose.""yes, i know her. what'd she want?" "she asked me to be as easy on you as i could,on account of the children." "how many children has she got now?""four, she informs me. the youngest is two and a half."cassius seemed to be doing a bit of mental arithmetic. he pondered well before speaking.then he said: "did she say whose children?" "i assumed them to be yours, cassius."smilk grinned. "well, i guess she's adopted
a couple since the last time i saw her, whichwas five years ago last spring. i been married twice since then. so she wants you to go easyon me, eh?" "she seems to think that if i intercede foryou the judge will let you off with a suspended sentence, and then you can go to work andsupport your family." "it's time she woke up," snarled smilk."i been at large quite a bit in the last ten years and if she can prove that i ever supportedher,—why, darn her hide, what right has she got to accuse me of supportin' her whenshe knows i've never been guilty of doin' it? she knows as well as anything that shesupported me on three different occasions when i was out for a month or two at a stretch.i will say this for her, she supported me
better than the other two did,—a lot better.and it's her own fault her nose is flat. if she'd stood still that time—but i'm notgoin' to discuss family affairs with you, mr. yol—""sh! easy!" "it's all right. he ain't listenin'.""what is your brother-in-law's name?" in a whisper."i never had but one name for him, and it's something i wouldn't call you for anythingin the world," said smilk. "let's make it bill. you ain't goin' to do what she asks,are you? you ain't goin' to do a dirty trick like that are you,—bill?""i thought i would come down and talk the matter over with you, cash. i'm in quite adilemma. she says if i don't help you out
of this scrape she and all your children willhaunt me to my dying day. it sounds rather terrible, doesn't it?""i can't think of anything worse," acknowledged cassius, solemnly."she asked me what i thought your sentence would be, and i told her i doubted very muchwhether you'd get more than a year or so, in view of all the extenuating circumstances,—thatis to say, your self-restraint and all that when you had not only the jewels but the revolveras well. that seemed to cheer her up a bit." "you made a ten strike that time, bill," saidsmilk, his face brightening. "i didn't give you credit for bein' so clever. if she thinksi'll be out in a year or two, maybe she'll be satisfied to keep her nose out of my affairs.if you had told her i was dead sure to go
up for twenty years or so, she'd come andcamp over there in the criminal courts building and just raise particular hell with everything."mr. yollop turned his face away. "i'm sorry to bring bad news to you, cash, but she'smade up her mind to attend your trial next monday. she's going to bring the childrenand—" he was interrupted by the string of horrificoaths that issued, pianissimo, through the twisted lips of the prisoner. after a time,cassius interrupted himself to murmur weakly: "if she does that, i'm lost. we got to headher off somehow, mr.—er—bill." "i don't see how it can be managed. she hasa perfect right to attend the pro—" "wait a minute, bill," broke in the othereagerly. "i got an idea. if you give her that
roll of mine, maybe she'll stay away.""what roll are you talking about?" "my roll of bills,—you remember, don't you?""my good man, i haven't got your roll of bills. and besides i couldn't put myself in the positionof—of—er—what is it you call it?—tinkering with witnesses to defeat the ends of justice.""but she ain't a witness, bill. you couldn't possibly get in wrong. what's more, it's mymoney, and i got a right to give it to my wife, ain't i? ain't i got a right to givemoney to my own wife,—or to one of my wives, strictly speakin',—and to my own children?ain't i?" "that isn't the point. i refuse to be a partyto any such game. we need not discuss it any farther. as i said before, i haven't yourroll of bills, and if i had it i—"
"oh, yes, you have. you got it right up therein your apartment. i stuck it away behind a—""stop! not another word, cassius. i don't want to know where it is. if you persist intelling me, i'll—i'll ask the judge to let you off with the lightest sentence he can—""oh, lord, you wouldn't do that, would you?" "yes, i would. what do you mean by secretingstolen property in my apartments?" "i didn't steal it. i found it, i tell you.""bosh!" "hope i may die if i didn't.""well, it may stay there till it rots, so far as i am concerned.""no danger of that," said smilk composedly. "a friend of mine is comin' around some nightsoon to get it. what else did she say?"
"eh?""what else did my wife say?" "oh! well, among other things, she wonderedif it would be possible to get an injunction against the court to prevent him from deprivingher of her only means of support. she says everybody is getting injunctions these daysand—" "bosh!" said smilk, but not with conviction.an anxious, inquiring gleam lurked in his eyes.mr. yollop continued: "i told her it was ridiculous,—and it is.then she said she was going to see your lawyer and ask him to put her on the witness standto testify that you are a good, loyal, hard-working husband and that your children ought to havea father's hand over them, and a lot more
like that.""she tried that once before and the court wouldn't let her testify," said smilk. "butanyhow, i'll tell my lawyer to kick her out of the office if she comes around there offeringto commit perjury." "i rather fancy she has considered that angle,cassius. she says if she isn't allowed to testify, she's going to attempt suicide rightthere in the court-room." "by gum, she's a mean woman," groaned smilk."i'm obliged to agree with you," said mr. yollop, compressing his lips as a far-awaylook came into his eyes. "if i live to be a thousand years old, i'll never forget theway she talked to me when i finally succeeded in telling her i was busy and she would haveto excuse me. it was something appalling."
"course. i suppose i got myself to blame,"lamented cassius ruefully. "i don't know how many times i come near to doin' it and didn'tbecause i was so darned chicken-hearted." "i have decided, cash, that you ought to goup for life,—or for thirty years, at least. so when i go on the stand i intend to do everythingin my power to secure the maximum for you. at first, i was reluctant to aid you in yourefforts to lead a life of ease and enjoyment but recent events have convinced me that youare entitled to all that the law can give you.""it won't do much good if she's to set there in the courtroom, snivelling and lookin' heart-broke,with a pack of half-starved kids hangin' on to her. like as not, she won't give 'em anythingto eat for two or three days so's they'll
look the part. i remember two of them kidsfairly well. the lord knows i used to take all kinds of risks to provide clothes andall sorts of luxuries for them,—and for her too. i used to give 'em bicycles and skatesand gold watches,—yes, sir, we had christmas regularly once a month. and she never waswithout fur neck-pieces and muffs and silk stockings and everything. the trouble withthat woman is, she can't stand poverty. she just keeps on hopin' for the day to come whenshe can wear all sorts of finery and jewels again, even if i do have to go to the penitentiaryfor it. all this comes of bein' too good a provider, bill. you spoil 'em."mr. yollop was thinking, so cassius, after waiting a moment, scratched his head and ventured:"that guy's beginnin' to fidget, bill. i guess
your time's about up. what are you thinkin'about?" "i was thinking about your other wives. howmany did you say you have?" "three, all told. the other two don't botherme much." "haven't you ever been divorced from any ofthem?" "not especially. why?""where do the other two live, and what are their names?""elsie morton and jennie finch. i mean, those are their married names. i use a differentalias every time i get married, you see. course, my first wife,—the one you met,—her nameis smilk. i married her when i was young and not very smart. elsie lives in brooklyn andjennie keeps a delicatessen up on the west
side.""do they know where you are?" "i don't think so. i forgot to tell 'em iwas out on parole last year." "and they have never been divorced from you?""no. they couldn't prove anything on me as long as i was locked up in the penitentiary.""does either one of them know about the other two?""i should say not! what do you think i am?" "don't lose your temper, cassius. i am tryingto think of some way to help you,—and i believe i see a ray of hope. you were regularlymarried to elsie and jennie,—i mean, by a minister, and so on?""sure. they both got their marriage certificates. i always believe in doin' things in the properlegal way. it's only fair and right. they—"
"never mind. give me their addresses." end of chapter fourchapter five there were quite a number of people in thecourt room when the case of the state vs. smilk was called. it was a bitterly cold dayoutside and considerable of an overflow from the corridors had seeped into the variouscourt rooms. but little delay was experienced in obtaining a jury. the regular panel wasstuck, with a few exceptions. only one member was able to declare that he had formed anopinion, and he did not form it until after he had had a good look at the prisoner,—althoughhe did not say so. two were challenged by counsel and one got off because he admittedthat he was acquainted with a man who used
to be connected with the district attorney'soffice,—he couldn't think of his name. smilk's attorney succeeded in executing avery clever piece of strategy at the outset. no sooner had the jury been sworn than heordered the bailiffs to crowd three or four more chairs alongside his table, and thenblandly invited a considerable portion of the audience to take their seats inside therailing. the persons indicated included a tall, shabbily dressed woman and seven ragged,pinched children, ranging in years from twelve down to three. immediately the prosecutionfell into the trap. two agitated assistant district attorneys jumped to their feet andbarked out an objection to the presence of the accused's wife and family on the insideof the fence, and the court promptly sustained
them. he also said some very sharp and causticthings to smilk's lawyer. mrs. smilk and her bewildered seven patiently resumed their seatsin the front row of spectators, but not until after a four year old girl, surreptitiouslypinched, had caused a mild sensation by piping: "i want my daddy! i want my daddy!"smilk cringed and it was quite apparent to close observers that he was having great difficultyin suppressing his emotions. the first witness for the prosecution wascrittenden yollop, milliner, aged 44. a more thorough examination by the state would havedisclosed the fact that he was six feet tall, spare, slightly bald, beardless, well-manicured,and faultlessly attired. "state your name and occupation, please,"said the state's attorney, advancing a few
paces toward the witness stand."my name is crittenden yollop. i am in the millinery business.""where do you reside?" "418 sagamore terrace.""in an apartment?" "a little louder, if you please."the state, raising its voice: "repeat the question, mr. stenographer."stenographer, leaning forward a little: "'in an apartment?'""yes." "were you living in this apartment on the18th of december, 1919?" "i was.""was that apartment entered by a burglar on the date mentioned?""it was."
the state, casually: "will you be so goodas to glance around the court room and state whether you see and recognize the man whoentered and robbed your apartment?" yollop, pointing: "yes. that is the man.""you are sure about that?" "i beg pardon?"the state, patiently: "repeat the question, mr. stenographer."stenographer, patiently: "'you are sure about that?'""certainly." "now, mr. yollop, i'm going to ask you totell the jury, in your own words, exactly what occurred in your apartment on the morningof december 18th. speak slowly and distinctly, and face the jury."mr. yollop, assisted to some extent by the
gentleman conducting the examination, relatedthe story of the crime, dwelling with special earnestness upon the dastardly, brutal mannerin which smilk forced him, at the point of a revolver to bind and gag and otherwise maltreatthe woman who had befriended him and whose jewels he was preparing to make off with whenthe police arrived. he carefully avoided any allusion to certain portions of the lengthyand illuminating dialogue that had taken place between him and smilk; he said nothing ofthe unexampled behavior of the intruder in telephoning for the police, or the kindnessrevealed by him in suggesting a means for getting his captor's feet warm.smilk's lawyer, at the very outset of the cross-examination, clarified the air as tothe nature of the defense he was going to
put up for his client. after a few preliminaryquestions, he demanded sharply: "now, mr. yollop, didn't this defendant stateto you that he had been unable to get work and that his wife and family were in suchdesperate straits that he was forced to commit a crime against the state in order to preservethem from actual starvation?" "he did not.""you are quite positive about that, are you?" "yes.""did he, at the time appear to be a robust, well-conditioned man,—that is to say, aman who looked strong enough to work and who had had sufficient nourishment to keep hisbody and soul together?" "he certainly did.""a big, rugged, healthy, desperate fellow,
you would say?""yes." "armed with a loaded revolver?""yes." "you would say that he was big enough andstrong enough to pull a trigger, wouldn't you?""i can't answer that question. i don't know how much strength it requires to pull a trigger.""ahem! at any rate, he looked as though he was strong enough to pull a trigger?""i dare say he could have pulled it." "and yet you would have the jury believe thatthis big, strong, well-nourished man, permitted you—by the by, how much do you weigh, mr.yollop!" "about 145 pounds, in my clothes.""you are six feet tall, i should say?"
"lacking a quarter of an inch.""ahem! as i was saying, this strong, desperate man, armed with a revolver, allowed you towalk across the room and strike him in the face, causing him to crumple up and fall tothe floor as if struck by a—well, someone like jack dempsey. isn't that so?""i never was so surprised in my life." counsel, thunderously: "answer my question!""well, i hit him and he fell." "do you regard yourself as an experiencedboxer?" "no, i don't.""are you what may be termed a powerful man, able to strike a powerful blow with the fist?""i don't know. the defendant can answer that question better than i can."counsel, to the court: "your honor, i appeal
to you to direct this witness to answer myquestions—" the court: "confine your answers to the questionsas they are put to you, mr. witness." counsel to yollop: "now see if you can answerthis question, mr. yollop. you have described in direct examination that this defendantwas a big, burly, rough looking man. you say you were surprised when he went down underyour inexpert blow. why were you surprised?" "i was surprised to find how easy it is toknock a man down." "i see. you had never knocked a man down before.is that so?" "i had never even struck a man before.""and yet you found it singularly easy to deliver a blow on the jaw of an armed man with sufficientforce to knock him down?"
"i can only answer that question by sayingthat he went down when i struck him. i don't know how hard or how easy it is to knock aman down." "but you admit you were surprised?""yes. i was surprised." counsel, shaking his finger and speaking withsomething like malevolence in his voice and manner: "don't you know, mr. yollop, thatthis man was so exhausted from lack of food that he was not only unable to defend himselffrom your assault but that the weakest blow—or even a gentle push with the open hand,—wouldhave sent him sprawling?" "i don't know anything about that.""wasn't he so weak that he could hardly walk across the room after he arose?""possibly. he was not too weak, however, to
climb up two floors on a fire escape and pryopen my window before i,—" "now,—now,—now! please answer my question?""he complained of being dizzy. he held his hand to his jaw. that's all i can say.""you were pointing the revolver at him all the time, you have testified. is that true?""yes." "if he had made an attempt to attack you,you would have shot him, wouldn't you?" "i would have shot at him, i suppose."counsel, slowly, distinctly, dramatically: "in other words, you would have been strongenough to do the thing that he was unable to do,—pull a trigger.""i haven't said he was unable to pull a trigger." "answer my question!"the state, bouncing up: "we object to this
question. it calls for a conclusion on thepart of the witness that—" the court: "objection sustained."counsel, glaring: "exception." then, after mopping his brow and consulting his notes:"now, mr. yollop, you say you conversed with this defendant at some length while waitingfor the police to arrive. have you any recollection of this defendant telling you that he wasdriven to theft because he had been out of work for nearly three months?""no." "didn't he say something of the kind to you?""he didn't say he had been out of work for three months."counsel, patiently: "well, what did he say?" "he said he had been out of jail for threemonths."
counsel, suddenly referring to his notes again:"er—ahem!—by the way, mr. yollop, you don't hear very well, do you?""i am quite deaf." "he might have said a great many things thatyou failed to hear,—especially if his voice was weak?""i dare say he did." counsel, lifting his eyebrows significantlyand nodding his head: "ah-h-h! didn't he tell you that he had a wife and several children?""i don't recall that he said anything about several children. he said he had several wives."counsel, startled: "what's that?" a bailiff, harshly addressing a woman in thefront row of spectators: "order! order!" the woman in the front row: "the dirty liar!"the state, sticking its hands in its pockets
and strutting to and fro, smiling loftily:"repeat the answer for the gentleman, mr. reporter.""never mind,—never mind. i move that the answer be stricken out, your honor, and thatyou instruct the jury to disregard the supposedly facetious reply of the witness."the court, to mr. yollop: "did this defendant say to you that he had several wives?"yollop, looking blandly at the jury until convinced by twelve expressions and the directionin which twenty four eyes were gazing that the court had spoken: "i beg pardon, yourhonor. were you speaking to me?" the court, raising his voice: "did he tellyou that he had several wives?" "he did."the court: "motion overruled. proceed."
counsel: "exception. now, mr.—"child in the front row, still gazing intently at a very baldheaded man on the opposite sideof the aisle: "i want my daddy! i want—" the court: "you must remove that child fromthe court room, madam. officer, see that that child is removed. remove all of them. youmay remain here, madam, if you choose to do so, but the court cannot allow this trialto be—" the woman in the front row: "please, yourhonor, if you will let me keep them here i'll promise to—"the court: "officer, remove those children at once."the woman: "and what's more, he tells a dirty lie when he says—"the court: "silence! you will have to leave
the room also, madam. this is outrageous.officer!" the state, magnanimously: "may it please thecourt, the state has not the slightest objection to the lady and her children remaining inthe court room, provided they do not interrupt these proceedings again."the court, melting a little: "do you think you can keep those children quiet, madam,and refrain from audible comments yourself?" "yes, sir. i'm sure i can."the court: "it is not my desire to be harsh with you, madam, but if this occurs againi shall have you ejected from the room. proceed." counsel: "now, mr. yollop, you have testifiedthat you bound and gagged your sister at the direction and command of this defendant andthat he rifled the apartment at will, keeping
you covered with a revolver. you also havestated that you laid the pistol on the desk, within his reach, when you believed the policeto be at the door. why, did you do that?" "because i did not think that i needed itany longer." counsel, sarcastically: "oho! so that wasthe reason, eh?" "well, i was glad to be rid of it. i was dreadingall the time that it might go off accidentally. they frequently do.""i see. now, isn't it a fact, mr. yollop, that you laid the revolver down to go to theassistance of this defendant who was in a fainting condition?""no, it isn't. he was all right." "don't you know that you laid it down becauseyou were convinced in you own mind that he
was physically unable to take advantage ofit? that he was in no condition to use it?" "no."counsel, with a pitying look at the jury: "he was still the big, strong, able-bodiedman that you had knocked down with your brawny fist, eh?"yollop, mildly: "he may have been a little sleepy. i was."a bailiff: "order! order!" counsel, severely: "now, mr. yollop, willyou tell this jury why, after you had found it so simple to knock the defendant down anddisarm him earlier in the evening, you failed to repeat the experiment when he had you coveredthe second time?" "the first time i acted on the spur of themoment, and under stress of great excitement.
i had had time to collect my wits by the timehe gained possession of the revolver. i wasn't as foolhardy as i was at the beginning. iwas afraid he would shoot me if i tackled him again.""isn't it a fact that he appeared much stronger and not so weak and listless as when you firstencountered him?" "i didn't notice any change in him.""didn't you testify awhile ago that while he was sitting at your desk, under cover ofthe gun, he ate a whole box of chocolate creams,—at your generous invitation?""yes. he ate them, all right." "wouldn't you, as an intelligent man, assumethat a pound of chocolates might have the effect of restoring to a half-starved mana portion of his waning strength,—at least
a sufficient amount to encourage him to putup some kind of a fight against you?" the state: "we object. the question callsfor a conclusion on the part of the witness, who does not even pretend to be an expertor an authority on pathological—" counsel: "but he does pretend to be an intelligentman, doesn't he? i submit, your honor, that the question is proper and i—"the court: "objection sustained. the witness may state that the defendant ate a box ofchocolate creams. he cannot give an opinion as to the effect the chocolates may or maynot have had on him." counsel: "exception."mr. yollop was on the stand for half an hour longer. counsel for the defense was drivinghome to the jury the impression that smilk
was a poor, half-starved wretch who had goneback to thieving after a valiant but hopeless attempt to find work in order to support hiswife and children. he announced, in arguing an objection made by the state, that it washis intention to prove by the man's wife that smilk was a good husband and was willing towork his fingers off for his family, but that he had been ill and unable to find steadyemployment. mrs. champney testified at the afternoon session.she made a most unfavorable impression on the jury. she got very angry at smilk's counseland said such spiteful things to him and about his client that the jury began to feel sorryfor both of them. two detectives and three policemen in uniformtestified that smilk was the picture of health
and a desperate-looking character. now anybodywho has ever served on a jury in a criminal case knows the effect that the testimony ofa police officer has on three fourths—and frequently four fourths,—of the jurors.for some unexplained,—though perhaps obvious reason,—the ordinary juror not only hatesa policeman but refuses to believe him on oath unless he is supported by evidence ofthe most unassailable nature. the mere fact that the five officers swore that smilk washealthy and rugged no doubt went a long way toward convincing the jury that the poor fellowwas a physical wreck and absolutely unable to defend himself on the night of the allegedburglary. moreover, a skilled mind-reader would havediscovered that mr. yollop had not made a
good impression on the jury. almost to a man,they discredited him because he was fastidious in appearance; because he was known to bea successful and prosperous business man; because he was trying to make them believethat he possessed the unheard-of courage to tackle an armed burglar; and because he wasa milliner. as for mrs. champney, she was the embodiment of all that the average citizenresents: a combination of wealth, refinement, intelligence, arrogance and widowhood. especiallydoes he resent opulent widowhood. the state rested. mrs. smilk was the firstwitness called by the defense. she told a harrowing tale of smilk's unparalleled effortsto obtain work; of his heart-breaking disappointments; of her own loyal and cheerful struggle toprovide for the children,—and for her poor
sick husband,—by slaving herself almostto death at all sorts of jobs. furthermore, she was positive that poor cassius had reformed,that he was determined to lead an honest, upright life; all he needed was encouragementand the opportunity to show his worth. true, he had been in state's prison twice, but inboth instances it was the result of strong drink. now that prohibition had come and hecould no longer be subjected to the evils and temptations of that accursed thing genericallyknown as rum, he was sure to be a model citizen and husband. in fact, she declared, a friendof the family,—a man very high up in city politics,—had promised to secure for cassiusan appointment as an enforcement officer in the great war that was being waged againstprohibition. this seemed to make such a hit
with the jury that smilk's lawyer shrewdlydecided not to press her to alter the preposition. the cross-examination was brief.the state: "how many children have you, mrs. smilk?"mrs. smilk: "seven." "the defendant is the father of all of them?"mrs. smilk, with dignity: "are you tryin' to insinuate that he ain't?""not at all. answer the question, please." "yes, he is.""when did you say you were married to the defendant?""october, 1906. i got my certificate here with me, if you want to see it.""i would like to see it." counsel for smilk, benignly: "the defensehas no objection."
the state, after examining the document: "itis quite regular. with the court's permission, i will submit the document to the jury."the court, to smilk's counsel: "do you desire to offer this document in evidence?""it had not occurred to us that it was necessary, but now that a point is being made of it,i will ask that it be introduced as evidence." the state, passing the certificate to thecourt reporter for his identification mark: "you have never been divorced from the defendant,have you, mrs. smilk?" "of course not." then nervously: "excuse me,but do i get my marriage certificate back? it's the only hold i got on—"counsel, hastily: "certainly, certainly, mrs. smilk. you need have no worry. it will bereturned to you in due time."
the state, after reading the certificate aloud,hands it to the foreman, and says: "the state admits the validity of this certificate. therecan be no question about it." leans against the table and patiently waits until the documenthas made the rounds. "now, mrs. smilk, you are sure that you have not been divorced fromsmilk nor he from you?" mrs. smilk, stoutly; "course i'm sure.""you heard mr. yollop testify that your husband said he had several wives. so far as you knowthat is not the case?" "i don't think he ever said it to mr. yollop.i think mr. yollop lied." "i see. then you do not believe your husbandcould have deceived you—i withdraw that, mr. reporter. you do not believe that yourhusband is base enough to have married another
woman,—or women,—without first havingobtained a legal divorce from you?" "i wouldn't be up here testifying in his behalfif i thought that, you bet. he ain't that kind of a man. if i thought he was, i'd liketo see him hung. i'd like to see—" "never mind, mrs. smilk. we are not tryingyour husband for bigamy. i think that is all, your honor."counsel for smilk: "you may be excused, mrs. smilk. take the stand, cassius."instead of obeying cassius beckoned to him. then followed a long, whispered conferencebetween lawyer and client, at the end of which the former, visibly annoyed, declared thatthe defendant had decided not to testify. the court indicated that it was optional withthe prisoner and asked if the counsel desired
to introduce any further testimony. counselfor the defense announced that his client's decision had altered his plans and that hewas forced to rest his case. the assistant district attorney stated that he had two witnessesto examine in rebuttal. "send for mrs. elsie morton," he directed."she is waiting in the district attorney's office, mr. bailiff."to the amazement of every one, cassius smilk started up from his chair, a wild look inhis eye. he sat down instantly, however, but it was evident that he had sustained a tremendousand unexpected shock. mr. yollop who had purposely selected a seat in the front row of spectatorsfrom which he could occasionally exchange mutual glances of well-assumed repugnancewith the rascal, caught smilk's eye as it
followed the retiring bailiff. the faintestshadow of a wink flickered for a second across that smileless, apparently troubled optic.mr. yollop, who had been leaning forward in his chair for the better part of the afternoonwith one hand cupped behind his ear and the other manipulating the disc in a vain butdetermined effort to hear what was going on, suddenly relaxed into a comfortable, satisfiedattitude and smiled triumphantly. he knew what was coming. and so did smilk.mrs. morton was a plump, bobbed-hair blond of thirty. she had moist carmine lips, a verywhite nose, strawberry-hued cheek bones, an alabaster chin and forehead, and pale, grayeyes surrounded by blue-black rims tinged with crimson. she wore a fashionable hat,—(mr.yollop noticed that at a glance)—a handsome
greenish cloth coat with a broad moleskincollar and cuffs of the same fur, pearl gray stockings that were visible to the knees,and high gray shoes that yawned rather shamelessly at the top despite the wearer's doughtieststruggle with the laces. her gloves, also were somewhat over-crowded. she gave her nameas mrs. elsie broderick morton, married; occupation, ticket seller in a motion picture theater.the state: "what is your husband's name and occupation?"witness: "filbert morton. so far as i know, he never had a regular occupation.""when were you and filbert morton married?" "june the fourteenth, 1916.""are you living with your husband at present?" "i am not.""have you ever been divorced from him?"
"i have not.""how long is it since you and he lived together?" "a little over three years.""would you recognize him if you were to see him now?""i certainly would." "when did you see him last?""day before yesterday." "tell the jury where you saw him.""over in the tombs." "surreptitiously?""no, sir. with my own eyes." "i mean, you saw him without his being awareof the fact that you were looking at him for the purpose of identification?""yes, sir." "i will now ask you to look about this courtroom and tell the jury whether you see the
man known to you as filbert morton?"witness, pointing to smilk: "that's him over there.""you mean the prisoner at the bar, otherwise known as cassius smilk?""yes, sir. that's my husband." "you are sure about that?""of course, i am. i wouldn't be likely to make any mistake about a man i'd lived withfor nearly six months, would i? i've got my marriage certificate here with me, if youwant to see it." mrs. smilk, in the first row, venomously addressingmr. smilk: "so that's what you was up to when you was out for six months and never comenear me once, you dirty—" all bailiffs in unison: "silence! order inthe court!"
the state, presently: "was he a good, kind,devoted husband to you, mrs. morton?" "well, if you mean did he provide me withclothes and jewels and gewgaws and all such, yes. he was always bringing me home ringsand bracelets and necklaces and things. but if you mean did he ever give me any moneyto buy food with and keep the flat going, no. i slaved my head off to get grub for himall the time we were living together." "did he ever mistreat you?""oh, once in a while he used to give me a rap in the eye, or a kick in the slats, orsomething like that, but on the whole he was pretty sensible.""sensible? in what way?" "i mean he was sensible enough not to punchhis meal ticket too often."
it is not necessary to go any farther intothe direct examination of mrs. elsie morton, nor into the half-hearted efforts of smilk'sdisgusted lawyer to shake her in cross-examination. nor is it necessary to introduce here thetestimony of mrs. jennie finchley, who succeeded her on the stand. it appears that jennie wasmarried in 1914 when smilk was out for three months. she supported him for several monthsin 1916,—up to the time he packed up and left her on the morning of the fourteenthof june, that year. as herbert finchley he not only managed to live comfortably off theproceeds of her delicatessen, but in leaving her he took with him nine hundred dollarsthat she had saved out of the business despite his gormandizing.
end of chapter fivechapter six despite the fact that the jury was out justa few minutes short of seven hours, it finally came in with a verdict "guilty as charged."twice the devoted twelve returned to the court room for further instructions from the judge.once they wanted to know if it was possible to convict the prisoner for bigamy insteadof burglary, and the other time it was to have certain portions of mr. yollop's testimonyread to them. immediately upon retiring an amicable and friendly discussion took placein the crowded, stuffy little jury room. eight men lighted black cigars, two lighted theirpipes, one joyously, almost ravenously resorted to a package of "lucky strikes," while thetwelfth man announced that he did not smoke.
he had been obliged to give it up becauseof blood pressure or something like that. the foreman, or juror no. 1, was an insuranceagent. he was a man of fifty and he knew how to talk. his voice was loud, firm, overridingand unconquerable; his manner suave, tolerant, persuasive. the bailiff, after obtaining eachman's telephone number and the message he wished to have sent to his home (if any),informed the jurors that he would be waiting just outside if they wanted him and then departed,locking the door behind him; whereupon the foreman looked at his watch and announcedthat it was twenty minutes to four. this statement resulted in the first disagreement. no twowatches were alike. some little time was consumed in proving that all twelve of them were rightand at the same time wrong, paradoxical as
it may sound. after the question of the hourhad been disposed of, the foreman suggested that an informal ballot be taken for the purposeof ascertaining the views of the gentlemen as to the guilt or the innocence of the defendant.the result of this so-called informal ballot was nine for conviction, three for acquittal."now we know where we stand," explained the foreman. "in view of the fact that nine ofus are for conviction and only three for acquittal it seems to me that it is up to the minorityto give their reasons for not agreeing with the majority. i see by your ballot, mr.—er—mr.sandusky, that you are in favor of acquitting—" "my name is i. m. pushkin," interrupted jurorno. 7. "i wrote it plain enough, didn't i?" "the initials confused me," explained theforeman. "well, let's hear why you think he
ought to be acquitted.""i know what it is to be hungry, that's why. i see the time when i first come to this countrywhen i didn't have nothing to eat for two-three days at a time, and ever'body tellin' me togo to hell out of here when i ask for a job or when i tell 'em i ain't had nothing toeat since yesterday morning and won't they please to help a poor feller what ain't hadnothing to eat since yesterday morning, and—" six or seven voices interrupted him. it wasjuror no. 4, salesman, who finally succeeded in getting a detached question to him."as i was saying, where do you get any evidence that he was hungry?""i guess you wasn't paying much attention to the evidence," retorted mr. pushkin. "didn'tyou hear that lawyer say, over and over yet,
how he was almost starved to death? didn't—waita minute!—didn't you hear him say to that deaf witness that the prisoner fell down likea log when he push him in the face? just push him,—nothing else. didn't you hear that?""sure i heard it. we all heard it. but what evidence is there?""evidence? my gracious, ain't that enough? ain't one man's word as good as another's?and say, let me ask you this: is there any evidence that he wasn't almost starved todeath! well! humph! i guess not. there ain't a single witness that says he wasn't hungry—notone, i tell you. you can't—" "didn't all them policemen swear that he wasas husky as—" "say, you can't believe a policeman aboutanything. it's their business. that's what
their job is. i know all about those fellers.why, long time ago when i first come to this country, i told a hundred policeman i wasalmost starved to death and say, do you think they believed me? you bet they didn't. theytold me to get a move on, get the hell out of this, beat it,—you bet i know all aboutthem fellers. i—" the foreman interrupted mr. pushkin."so you want to acquit the defendant because his lawyer said he was hungry,—is that it?""i don't blame nobody for stealing when he is almost starved to death and got a wifeand children almost starved to death too because he cannot get a job yet. you bet i don't.i don't—" "well, of all the damned—""can you beat this for—"
"i've heard a lot of—"the foreman rapped vigorously with an inkwell, splashing the fluid over his fingers and quitea considerable area of table-top. "gentlemen! gentlemen! let us talk this thingover quietly and calmly. mr. pushkin seems to have a wrong conception as to what constitutesevidence. now, let me have the floor for a few minutes, and i'll try to explain to himwhat constitutes evidence." one hour and twenty minutes later mr. pushkinadmitted that he did have a wrong conception as to what constitutes evidence, but stillmaintained that he hated like sin to convict a man who had tried so hard to get work andcouldn't. the non-smoking gentleman was one of the threewho comprised the minority. he was a mild
little chap with weak eyes and the sniffles.by profession he was a clock maker. he said he believed that the defendant was unquestionablyguilty of bigamy and that the state had erred in charging him with burglary. he was perfectlywilling to send the man up for bigamy because, according to the evidence, it took precedenceover the crime alleged to have been committed in december, 1919. in other words, he explained,smilk had committed bigamy some years prior to the burglary of mr. yollop's apartmentand he believed in taking things in their regular order. of course, he went on to say,he would be governed by the opinion of the judge if it were possible under the circumstancesto obtain it. he did not think it would be legal to put the burglary charge ahead ofthe bigamy charge, but if the judge so ordered
he would submit, notwithstanding his convictionthat it would be unconstitutional. several gentlemen wanted to know what the constitutionhad to do with it, and he, becoming somewhat exasperated, declared that the present jurysystem is a joke, an absolute joke. "well, it's just such men as you that makeit a joke," growled juror no. 12. "gentlemen! gentlemen!" admonished the foreman."let us have no recriminations, please. it occurs to me that we ought to send a noteto the court, asking for instructions on this point."the note was written and despatched in care of the glowering bailiff, who, it seems, hadan engagement to go to the movies that evening and couldn't believe his ears when he ascertainedthat the boobs had not yet agreed upon a verdict
in what he regarded as the clearest case thathad ever come under his notice. in the meantime, the third juror explainedhis vote for acquittal. he was a large, heavy-jowled man with sandy mustache and a vacancy amonghis upper teeth into which a pipe-stem fitted neatly. he was the superintendent of an apartmentbuilding in lenox avenue. "i think it's a frame-up," he said, pausingto use the bicuspid vacancy for the purpose of expectoration. "that's what i think itis. now i'm in a position as superintendent of a flat building to know a lot about whatgoes on among the bachelor tenants. i ain't sayin' that the prisoner didn't go to mr.what's-his-name's flat without an invitation. you bet your life he wasn't expected, if myguess is correct. i tell you what i think,—and
my opinion ought to be worth a lot, lemmetell you,—i think there's something back of all this that wasn't brought out in thetrial. now here's something i bet not one of you fellers has thought about. what evidenceis there that this chancy woman is that deaf man's sister? not a blamed word of evidence,except their own statement. she ain't his sister any more than i am. did you ever seetwo people that looked less like they was related to each other? you bet you didn't.now i got a hunch that the prisoner follered her to that guy's apartment. what for, i don'tknow. maybe for blackmail. he got onto what was goin' on, and makes up his mind to rakein a nice bunch of hush-money. that's been done a couple of times in the apartment buildin'i'm superintendent of. a feller i had workin'
for me as a porter cleaned up five or sixhundred dollars that way, he told me. this robbery business sounds mighty fishy to me.now i'm only tellin' you the way the thing looks to me. i don't think that woman is wollop'ssister any more than she is mine. it's a frame-up, the whole thing is. look at the way this wollopsays he tied her up and all that. humph!—can't you fellers see through this whole business?he tied her up so's the police would find her tied up, that's what he done. the chancesare she's some woman customer of his that's got stuck on him, tryin' hats and all that,—andmaybe gettin' all the hats she wants for nothin',—and this feller smilk he gets onto the game andgoes out for a little money. see what i mean?" so loud and so furious was the discussionthat followed the extraordinary deductions
of juror no. 9, that the bailiff had to raphalf a dozen times before he could make himself heard. finally the foreman, purple in theface, called out through the haze of smoke: "come in!""the judge says for you to come into the court room for instructions," announced the officer."never mind your hats and coats. no cigars, gents. leave 'em here. they'll be safe. comeon, now. it's nearly time to go to supper." the judge informed the jury that they couldnot find the man guilty of bigamy and curtly ordered them back to their room for furtherdeliberation. they took another ballot before going out to supper at a nearby restaurant,guarded by six bailiffs, who warned them not to discuss the case while outside the juryroom. the second ballot, by the way, was eight
for conviction, four for acquittal. jurorno. 5 had come over to the minority. he said there was something in the theory of jurorno. 9. there was a very positive disagreement concerningthe meal they were about to partake of. the foreman spoke of it as dinner and was openlysneered at by eleven gentlemen who had never called it anything but supper. the littleclockmaker, having been overruled by the judge, was in a nasty temper. he accused the foremanof being a republican. he said no democrat ever called it dinner. it wasn't democratic.upon their return to the jury room after a meal on which there was complete agreementand which brought out considerable talk about the penuriousness of the county of new york,they settled down to a prolonged and profound
discussion of their differences. it soon developedthat all but two of the jurors had been favorably inclined toward the defendant up to the timethe state introduced the unexpected wives. they had regarded him as a poor unfortunate,driven to crime by adversity, and after a fashion the victim of an arrogant and soullesspolice system, aided and abetted by the district attorney's minions, a contemptible robberin the person of a dealer in women's hats, and a bejeweled snob who insulted their intelligenceby trying to convince them that her confidence had been misplaced. but the two wives settledit. smilk was a rascal. he ought to be hung. "but," argued no. 9, "how the devil do weknow that them women are his wives. their evidence ain't supported, is it?""didn't they have certificates?" demanded
another hotly."sure. but that don't prove that he was the man, does it?""and didn't the prisoner jump up and yell: 'my god, it's all off! you've got me cold!you've got me dead to rights,'" cried another. "oh, there's no use arguin' with you guys,"roared no. 9, disgustedly. later on they returned to the court room tohave certain parts of mr. yollop's testimony read to them. after this a ballot was taken,and the only man for acquittal was the clock-maker. at twenty minutes to eleven he succumbed,not to argument or persuasion or reason but to a chill february draft that blew in throughthe open window above his head. he couldn't get away from it. the others wouldn't lethim. they got him up in a corner and he couldn't
break through. he told them he was gettingpneumonia, that the draft would be the death of him, that he'd take back what he said aboutthe smoke almost suffocating him,—still they surrounded him, and argued with him,and called him things he didn't feel physically able to call them, and at last he voted guilty.smilk, haggard with worry,—for he had come to think, as the hours went by without a verdict,that there would be a disagreement or, worse than that, an acquittal, in which case hewould have to face the charge of bigamy that the district attorney had more than intimated,—smilkslouched dejectedly into the court room a few minutes before eleven o'clock and wentthrough the familiar process of facing the jury while the jury faced him. he straightenedup eagerly when the verdict was read. he took
a long, deep breath. his eyes brightened,—theyalmost twinkled,—as they searched the room in quest of mr. yollop. he was disappointedto find that the gentle milliner was not there to hear the good news.the judge sentenced him to twenty years imprisonment at hard labor, and he went back to his cellin the tombs, a triumphant, vindicated champion of the laws of his state, a doughty warriorcarrying the banner of justice up to the very guns of sentiment.mr. yollop received a friendly letter from him some two months after his return to singsing. he found it early one morning on his library table, sealed but minus the stampthat the government exacts for safe and conscientious delivery. mr. yollop's stenographer, beingmore or less finicky about english as it should
be written, even by thieves, is responsiblefor the transcript in which it is here presented: dear friend—i hope this finds you in the best of health. i am back on the job and very glad to be so.it is very gay up here and i am getting fat also. regular hours is doing it, and no worryi suppose. i wish to inform you that the movies have improved considerable since i was herebefore and our baseball team is much better. also the concerts and so on. grub also upto standard. i never eat better grub at the ritz-carlton. which is no lie either. well,mr. yollop, before closing i want to say you done me a mighty good turn when you thoughtof them two wives of mine. if it had not been for them two women i guess it would have beenall off with me. i wish you would drop in
here to see me if you are ever up this wayso as i can thank you in person. which reminds me. there is some talk among the boys thata movement is on foot to have a regular fancy dress ball up here once a month. some kindof a benevolent society is working on it they say. big orchestra, eats from delmonico'sand a crowd of girls from the smart set to dance with us. so as we won't get out of practice,i suppose. soon as i hear when the first dance is to be i will let you know and maybe youwill come up to be present. i will introduce you to a lot of swell dames and maybe youcan drum up a nice trade among them on account of their all being fashionable and needinga good many hats. it must be great to be in a business like yours, where nobody careshow many times you rob them just so you leave
them enough money to buy shoes with, becauseif you ask me they ain't wearing much of anything but hats and shoes these days. well, i guessi will close, mr. yollop. with kind regards from yours truly, i remainyours truly, c. smilk. p. s.—i forgot to mention that this letterwas left in your library by a pal of mine who dropped in last night while you was asleep,unless he got nabbed like a darned fool before he got a chance to do this friendly littleerrand for me. he dropped in to get that wad of bills i left there some time ago. if youget this letter he got the roll. end of chapter 6end of yollop by george barr mccutcheonread by barry eads
